Quote

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Went
Lady
Funny
Scales
Actual
Stores
Size
Clothings
Asked
Clothing
Humor
Store
Comedy
Scale

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I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.
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I care about politics, but I have a tough time making comedy out of it. I was so happy to have a chance to be on The Daily Show, and I think Jon Stewart's so funny... but mostly in my own comedy, I care about less relevant things.
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And as far as actors go, Peter Sellers is my all-time favorite.
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Mosquito bites Jesus, receives communion.
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I've often liked a girl, made her laugh, and thought she liked me, and then found out that she didn't like me that way. I've definitely done time in the friend zone.
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I am a ceiling fan, especially during rain.
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If you want to dry hump someone you don't know, just act like they were choking.
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One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage. Because when you're in the woods it makes you blend in. But when you're not it does just the opposite. It's like, 'Hey, there's an asshole.'
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A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.
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When people show me pictures of their kids, it's okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to their kids, I'm weird. What kind of one way street is that?
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If you stretched the average person's intestines out from end to end, it would make them scream a lot.
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I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly-swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.
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It's not enough to say I'm sorry. You have to also mean it. It's the same with saying I'm single.
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Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.
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I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, 'Got it!' And then I run away.
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Your mind is like a sponge, in the sense that it would come in handy when cleaning off a countertop or something like that.
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I used to get bummed out when it rained then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies.
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Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.
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I wish I lived next to Carnegie Hall. Then, if someone asked me how to get to my house, I would just say 'Practice, practice, practice, and then take a left.'
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When I first heard the term 'training bra,' I was freaked out. I was pretty young and I said, 'Did you just say training bra? They're training their chests? I had no idea.' See some lady, her boobs are everywhere. 'What's her deal?' Those are untrained titties.
Demetri Martin