Quote

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Stores
Size
Clothings
Asked
Clothing
Humor
Store
Comedy
Scale
Went
Lady
Funny
Scales
Actual

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They say that structure is freedom, and in a sense it is. When you're dealing with multiple constraints, you have to figure out what you can get out of that.
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Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I'm like, Done, next!
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The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them.
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To some I am known as Chief. And these are usually people who work in Radio Shack or try to sell me shoes. To others I am known as Buddy. These are people who dwell in bars and wonder if I’ve got a problem or what it is that I am “looking at.” And to still others, who are in that same bar, standing just off to the side, I am “Get Him!
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It is interesting that the black BMW is the preferred car of so many assholes.
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99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks.
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I like when people wear a WWJD bracelet, because it's like an example of the first thing Jesus wouldn't do, probably.
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I think a lot of people who watch TV don't realize when they're watch TV shows and it says 'produced by' and producer, producer... there are all these producers. What the hell does a producer do? It's funny how much you have to worry about as a producer.
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I believe in empathy. When religion provides that for people, it's the best thing in the world.
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If someone throws a pie at your face, just open your mouth really wide and say, 'Thanks for feeding me, a**hole.'
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I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'
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I wanna see a snake eat spaghetti.
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I care about politics, but I have a tough time making comedy out of it. I was so happy to have a chance to be on The Daily Show, and I think Jon Stewart's so funny... but mostly in my own comedy, I care about less relevant things.
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I got some new pajamas with pockets in 'em. Which is great, because before that, I used to have to hold stuff when I slept. But now I'm like, 'Where's my planner? There it is. Keep sleeping. All right, perfect.'
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I just found out that I have more allies than America!
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I think it would be worse to get mauled by a dancing bear than just a regular bear because you can't totally blame the dancing bear.
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I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I'm fooled by a mannequin in a store.
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It's not enough to say I'm sorry. You have to also mean it. It's the same with saying I'm single.
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It's very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy: Location, location, location.
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You get really disillusioned, because you thought you were in love. But you realize that you're just alone.
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