Quote

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Humor
Store
Comedy
Scale
Went
Lady
Funny
Scales
Actual
Stores
Size
Clothings
Asked
Clothing

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I like parties, but I don't like piñatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there's a donkey with some pizzazz. Let's kick its ass.
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Yes, okay, it's cool to be quirky, maybe, on the side. Do some puzzles, make puzzles, whatever, learn how to ride a unicycle. That's cool when it's on the side and you have a plan. What happens when you remove the plan? What you're left with is a guy who likes to do anagrams. And doesn't have a job... Sweet, that's a catch.
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Dogs seem more photogenic than cats. In photos most cats look like sociopaths.
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I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it.
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Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.
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When someone asks you the question 'Are you ticklish' it doesn't matter if you say yes or no, cause they're going to touch you. If someone asks if you're ticklish and you don't want to be touched you should something like 'I have diarrhea, now don't touch me cause you'll make it come out... and yes I'm very ticklish'.
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Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
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I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I'm fooled by a mannequin in a store.
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A Wednesday with no rain is a dry hump day.
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I wasn't the class clown, but I was starting to become the crazy guy at law school, which is the guy who is not so much crazy as annoying.
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The chances of someone who looks like Jesus having pot raises steadily, to a point. If the guy is on a cross you may have the wrong guy.
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When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, Hold it right there and then shoot them with water gun.
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I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word dictionary, and it said you're an asshole.
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I love bowling almost as much as I love not bowling.
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I'm very hip-oriented. I focus on hips in my comedy - probably more than any other hipster comic who is out there hipping today. My hips, other hips. I work with my hips a great deal. That is what I do. But not in a gay way.
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The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
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I like stand-up. But I'd also like a family and house and a yard. I want to work with a lot of people, have colleagues and on good film sets, there's people there that work with the same people for years and years. I love that collaborative spirit in that medium. Comedy is a lot more solitary.
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To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very interesting ringtone of yours.
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Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.
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Popcorn is one of the only situations in which you eat the result of an explosion.
Demetri Martin