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I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.
Demetri Martin
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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Actual
Stores
Size
Clothings
Asked
Clothing
Humor
Store
Comedy
Scale
Went
Lady
Funny
Scales
More quotes by Demetri Martin
I think a lot of people who watch TV don't realize when they're watch TV shows and it says 'produced by' and producer, producer... there are all these producers. What the hell does a producer do? It's funny how much you have to worry about as a producer.
Demetri Martin
Planning trip around the globe, that is in my room.
Demetri Martin
It's hard to know what's gay in life. Boxing. That's two men fighting over a belt.
Demetri Martin
Dogs seem more photogenic than cats. In photos most cats look like sociopaths.
Demetri Martin
A jerk on a motorcycle is equal to a leaf, because I find it beautiful when these things fall.
Demetri Martin
I can move objects with my mind, if I use my hands.
Demetri Martin
I've learned something on the road, traveling around: state shapes. The easier it is to draw the shape of the state, the harder it is to live in that state. So, if you live in a regular polygon, get the hell outta there. You gotta move to a squiggly area. Culture's attracted to squiggles.
Demetri Martin
Turtles are greater than baby nephews, because it's ok to drop a turtle.
Demetri Martin
There's a very fine line between giving someone the Heimlich maneuver and dry-humping a stranger.
Demetri Martin
For me and most of my friends who are comedians, if you've been doing comedy for a while, your tolerance for things actually moves. I find it very hard to be shocked, and when other people aggressively take offense to something, I'm sometimes confused.
Demetri Martin
As soon as I jumped out of the airplane, I realized I had forgotten my parachute. Thank God we were still on the runway.
Demetri Martin
Timing is everything. That's a cliche. Now. If I'd said that a long time ago, I'd have been original.
Demetri Martin
Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.
Demetri Martin
A cool tattoo design is any drawing that would also look good saggy.
Demetri Martin
I wanna design a video game where you'd have to take care of all the people shot in all the other video games.
Demetri Martin
Sometimes I feel like I'm being watched, but then I remember that my show was canceled three years ago.
Demetri Martin
In retrospect, everything is finite, but prospectively, there are infinite possibilities. I guess that's what makes life hopeful.
Demetri Martin
I want to launch a globe into space just to mess with the astronauts.
Demetri Martin
I think it would be frustrating to be a match maker. What do you do? I'm a match maker Aw, that's really romantic No, umm... I actually... never mind
Demetri Martin
I am a ceiling fan, especially during rain.
Demetri Martin