Quote

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Went
Lady
Funny
Scales
Actual
Stores
Size
Clothings
Asked
Clothing
Humor
Store
Comedy
Scale

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I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.
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When you're wearing an animal costume and something bad happens, your facial expression doesn't change. The animal is deadpan the whole time. If you're skiing in a gorilla suit and you fall, you just see a gorilla who has no emotion. It's just a stoic gorilla, wildly falling down a hill, out of control.
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I ordered a wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman's voice said, 'What the hell are you doing with your life?'
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Don't forget to turn your clocks back today if you don't want your clocks to be set to the right time.
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Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I'm like, Done, next!
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If someone throws a pie at your face, just open your mouth really wide and say, 'Thanks for feeding me, a**hole.'
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I wanna design a video game where you'd have to take care of all the people shot in all the other video games.
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Once I started to look i finally began to see.
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I got myself a really nice nib pen, with like 15 kinds of India Ink, and tons of different nibs I think I was just procrastinating, like, once I have the right nib, the book is just going to jump right out of my fingertips... but then it just ended up looking like the shitty drawings that I usually do.
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If you remove a treehouse from a tree, than it's just a shitty house. Sometimes when i'm in a shitty house, I like to imagine that it's in a tree, than it's like Woah, this house is amazing.
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Vampire fad just won't die. Makes sense, I guess.
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I am a comedian but it's usually not a compliment to be called a prop comedian but I guess I sometimes use props. And I always confuse humorist with comedian. That's strange.
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When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, Hold it right there and then shoot them with water gun.
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Cotton candy is the perfect snack for when I'm in the mood to eat dry, scratchy fabric.
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When I trip, I feel like that's the world saying come here for a second. It just pulls me closer for a second, yeah what do you want? I just want to remind you that you're uncoordinated. I'm aware of that, thank you... can I go now? Yeah, you can go, but never ever try to outrun me. Ok, world, see you later. Yeah, I'll see you in about 50 years.
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Halloween: the day each year when strangers give you even more specific reasons to dislike them based on what they are wearing.
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You can say 'Thanks,' and you can say 'Thanks a Million' - but any number in between?
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Another thing that I like and that's fun for me is to try and talk and play music at the same time, because I feel like I'm learning something. There are these little challenges built into it it's a way to push myself a little bit more as a performer.
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The shortest distance between two idiots is a conga line.
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Why are there not positive mysteries? It's always who stole the diamond, or who killed the butler? How about... who made cookies, somebody cleaned my room.
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