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I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.
Demetri Martin
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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Asked
Clothing
Humor
Store
Comedy
Scale
Went
Lady
Funny
Scales
Actual
Stores
Size
Clothings
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I never set out to do a sketch show.
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I would like to have windshield wipers that do the whole windshield, please.
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The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast.
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When I look up at the clouds I see so many animals, mostly sheep who have lost their limbs and heads.
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I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'
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A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.
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I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word dictionary, and it said you're an asshole.
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The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them.
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To me, comedy is a game.
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Another thing that I like and that's fun for me is to try and talk and play music at the same time, because I feel like I'm learning something. There are these little challenges built into it it's a way to push myself a little bit more as a performer.
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I like birthdays because we celebrate life with cakes. It's so cool. Sometimes when I see a baby, I'm like that much more cake in the world. But then when someone dies, I'm like the cake streak is over.
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I wanna see a snake eat spaghetti.
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When people show me pictures of their kids, it's okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to their kids, I'm weird. What kind of one way street is that?
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I go the gym and I try to run on the treadmill and I listen to music but it doesn't motivate me enough. So I'm going to get a recording of a pack of wolves gaining on me. People would be like, 'Why is that guy crying on that treadmill over there?' 'I don't know, but he's been yelling, 'help' for like 20 minutes. He's getting a good workout.
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It's not enough to say I'm sorry. You have to also mean it. It's the same with saying I'm single.
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A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.
Demetri Martin
