Quote

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Funny
Scales
Actual
Stores
Size
Clothings
Asked
Clothing
Humor
Store
Comedy
Scale
Went
Lady

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When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, Hold it right there and then shoot them with water gun.
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I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.
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You get really disillusioned, because you thought you were in love. But you realize that you're just alone.
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If you remove a treehouse from a tree, than it's just a shitty house. Sometimes when i'm in a shitty house, I like to imagine that it's in a tree, than it's like Woah, this house is amazing.
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I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it.
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Having a beard is a good way to make your face more susceptible to velcro.
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If I could control the behavior of fat guys I would make them ride mopeds more often.
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How to be a bouncer: be an asshole stand near a door.
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The boomerang is Australia's chief export (and then import).
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You never forget your first kiss. And that's what makes it so hard to forgive my uncle.
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Batteries are the most dramatic object. Other things stop working or they break, But Batteries... They Die.
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The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them.
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My friend named his car. And I don't want to be judgemental, but... what a dork.
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I wonder if, as a society, we will ever be able to call someone a jive tofurkey.
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Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable that's survival.
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If only loud people were even half as interesting as they think they are.
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I wonder if there were any goths in gothic times. They're like: You look completely appropriate. You don't look stupid or lonely at all.
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Turtles are greater than baby nephews, because it's ok to drop a turtle.
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