Quote

If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Building
Elevators
Hours
Stairs
Half
Riding
Funny
Fell
Moving
Hour
Escalator
Time
Choose
Escalators
Humor
Tripped
Move
Elevator

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My friend says touche way too much. He's a touche bag.
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Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles.
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I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'
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I live in New York and there are a lot of famous... pizzerias in my neighborhood, it's really hard to find one that isn't famous. Which sucks sometimes, you know what I mean, sometimes I don't want all that glitz and glamour, I just want something delicious, you know? I don't need a celebrity in my mouth, Ray's Up And Coming Pizza would be fine.
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My friend has hand soap that smells like coconut. It's nice. Unless your hands are dirty from coconuts.
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The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.
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Why are there not positive mysteries? It's always who stole the diamond, or who killed the butler? How about... who made cookies, somebody cleaned my room.
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The boomerang is Australia's chief export (and then import).
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A human head looks the least scary when it is attached.
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A refrigerator is the opposite of a drug addict, because a refrigerator starts in a box and then moves to a house.
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I learned this summer that peeing in the pool and peeing INTO the pool are very different things. Location, Location, Location.
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A jerk on a motorcycle is equal to a leaf, because I find it beautiful when these things fall.
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Once I started to look i finally began to see.
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A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.
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It's very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy: Location, location, location.
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I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down. Then, at night, I say the thought to people through a microphone. I don't think about politics or pop culture very much, so those thoughts don't often make it to the microphone.
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I'm not a lawmaker, but I was thinking that if you have a really loud ring tone, maybe you should be stabbed in the ear?
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A parade looks like a bunch of people are excited about being in traffic.
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Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place.
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Do you have any Greek in you? That was just a tactful way of asking if you're pregnant. If you're not, then let's break up.
Demetri Martin