Quote

If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Hours
Stairs
Half
Riding
Funny
Fell
Moving
Hour
Escalator
Time
Choose
Escalators
Humor
Tripped
Move
Elevator
Building
Elevators

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A Wednesday with no rain is a dry hump day.
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I remember when I used to be really into nostalgia.
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A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.
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Small businesses are important, but so are tiny businesses.
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If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give something to panic and wave you arms around and scream about.
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If someone throws a pie at your face, just open your mouth really wide and say, 'Thanks for feeding me, a**hole.'
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Statistics indicate that the average American is a guy named Brian who lives in Ohio.
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Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is.
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When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, Hold it right there and then shoot them with water gun.
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Whenever I throw caution to the wind I make sure I'm facing the right way so that it doesn't blow back and hit me in my face.
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I like digital cameras, because they enable you to reminisce immediately.
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I like parties, but I don't like piñatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there's a donkey with some pizzazz. Let's kick its ass.
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I saw a sign that said, 'Watch for children.' I was like, 'That sounds like a fair trade - especially if they're crappy kids.'
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Mosquito bites Jesus, receives communion.
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REGARDING THE MARCHING BAND: How much more interesting it would be to see a creeping band.
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Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.
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I got some new pajamas with pockets in 'em. Which is great, because before that, I used to have to hold stuff when I slept. But now I'm like, 'Where's my planner? There it is. Keep sleeping. All right, perfect.'
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When there's someone who's dead and then someone does something that that person would not have liked, they say that that person is spinning in their grave. But I don't understand why they say that. Why is spinning the way that a corpse shows disapproval?
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When someone shows you a picture of their kids what they don't want to hear is Oh, yeah, I got pictures of your kid too.
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