Quote

If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Move
Elevator
Building
Elevators
Hours
Stairs
Half
Riding
Funny
Fell
Moving
Hour
Escalator
Time
Choose
Escalators
Humor
Tripped

More quotes by Demetri Martin

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I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.
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When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding.
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I was a good student when I was a kid, and I did everything I was supposed to do, and I got A's.
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It is a little ironic that one thing a babysitter should not do is sit on a baby.
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Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.
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I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down. Then, at night, I say the thought to people through a microphone. I don't think about politics or pop culture very much, so those thoughts don't often make it to the microphone.
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When someone shows you a picture of their kids what they don't want to hear is Oh, yeah, I got pictures of your kid too.
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Now I got a time machine at home. It only goes foreword at regular speed. It's essentially a cardboard box and on the outside I wrote time machine in sharpie.
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I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.
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When people show me pictures of their kids, it's okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to their kids, I'm weird. What kind of one way street is that?
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A jerk on a motorcycle is equal to a leaf, because I find it beautiful when these things fall.
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I am everything and I am nothing. I am just kidding I am not everything and nothing. That would be ridiculous. I am just everything.
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Sometimes I feel like I'm being watched, but then I remember that my show was canceled three years ago.
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What's this about rice milk? I didn't even know rice had nipples!
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I wanna see a snake eat spaghetti.
Demetri Martin
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How to be a bouncer: be an asshole stand near a door.
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Brought to you by raising your voice. The next best thing to being right.
Demetri Martin
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The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
Demetri Martin
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A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.
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We do not allow dwarf tossing. If you toss a dwarf, the dwarf will be tossed right back at you, but faster.
Demetri Martin