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When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.
Demetri Martin
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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Fats
Saws
Friend
Humor
Funny
Catapults
More quotes by Demetri Martin
It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something.
Demetri Martin
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front of me.
Demetri Martin
To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.
Demetri Martin
I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word dictionary, and it said you're an asshole.
Demetri Martin
I never set out to do a sketch show.
Demetri Martin
If I were blind, I'd wear a blindfold all the time.
Demetri Martin
I wanna design a video game where you'd have to take care of all the people shot in all the other video games.
Demetri Martin
Futon World - a wonderful place that becomes slowly less comfortable over time.
Demetri Martin
I just started doing this one-man show, and I wanted to be able to score it, so I bought a guitar, and got a keyboard and got a harmonica. I remember when I started that I didn't understand why a harmonica had different letters on them.
Demetri Martin
Never forget where you came from. That's what I think when I walk into a cave.
Demetri Martin
Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.
Demetri Martin
I have fun acting, and I want to do more of it, and I want to direct my own movie.
Demetri Martin
Now I got a time machine at home. It only goes foreword at regular speed. It's essentially a cardboard box and on the outside I wrote time machine in sharpie.
Demetri Martin
I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.
Demetri Martin
Man is the most powerful creature on the planet. And we're arrogant. I mean, people own birds. It's like, there's a creature with the gift of flight. I want it. I'm going to put it in my kitchen and make it crap on old information.
Demetri Martin
I wanna put stickers on turtles... I don't know why.
Demetri Martin
Once I started to look i finally began to see.
Demetri Martin
Statistics indicate that the average American is a guy named Brian who lives in Ohio.
Demetri Martin
Canoe plus waterfall equals I don't go camping anymore.
Demetri Martin
It is interesting that the black BMW is the preferred car of so many assholes.
Demetri Martin
