Quote

The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Bird
Doors
Child
Sliding
Running
Bees
Children
Glass
Glasses
Romance
Door

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People only mention it's a free country if they're doing something shitty.
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I got some new pajamas with pockets in 'em. Which is great, because before that, I used to have to hold stuff when I slept. But now I'm like, 'Where's my planner? There it is. Keep sleeping. All right, perfect.'
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I love motor learning because it's very basic and primal. A lot of what I like to learn correlates with the opposite of what gets you laid. I can ride a unicycle and I can juggle. These are unimpressive things to know.
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Small businesses are important, but so are tiny businesses.
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It is impossible for a cyclops to wink.
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When I am given a multiple choice test I choose not to take it.
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I like birthdays because we celebrate life with cakes. It's so cool. Sometimes when I see a baby, I'm like that much more cake in the world. But then when someone dies, I'm like the cake streak is over.
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To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.
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A lot of things look cooler in slow motion. Eating isn't one of them.
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Your mind is like a sponge, in the sense that it would come in handy when cleaning off a countertop or something like that.
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The lord works in mysterious ways. Indeed. And a shorter way to say that is: God is a sneak.
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I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.
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I wasn't the class clown, but I was starting to become the crazy guy at law school, which is the guy who is not so much crazy as annoying.
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The problem with my balloon collection is that people always think there's a party. Settle down. It's not a party. It's just balloons.
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When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole.
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I live in New York and there are a lot of famous... pizzerias in my neighborhood, it's really hard to find one that isn't famous. Which sucks sometimes, you know what I mean, sometimes I don't want all that glitz and glamour, I just want something delicious, you know? I don't need a celebrity in my mouth, Ray's Up And Coming Pizza would be fine.
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I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word dictionary, and it said you're an asshole.
Demetri Martin
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Count your blessings, but not out-loud, at the top of your lungs.
Demetri Martin
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I am sometimes referred to as Excuse Me in an annoyed tone of voice, because apparently I am in the way. I am so sorry. I am supposed to be some sort of mind reader, I guess. I am moving out of the way now as slowly as I possibly can. I am doing this and there's nothing you can do about it.
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I want to make a revolving door that says 'Pull' on it, just see how obedient people are.
Demetri Martin