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If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Hanged
Letters
Calling
Saws
Probably
Start
Getting
Amputee
Ever
Amputees

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Leave no stone unturned in your quest to disrupt a rock garden.
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When people show me pictures of their kids, it's okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to their kids, I'm weird. What kind of one way street is that?
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I just found out that I have more allies than America!
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Vampire fad just won't die. Makes sense, I guess.
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I've never read an article of clothing.
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Don't forget to turn your clocks back today if you don't want your clocks to be set to the right time.
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To some I am known as Chief. And these are usually people who work in Radio Shack or try to sell me shoes. To others I am known as Buddy. These are people who dwell in bars and wonder if I’ve got a problem or what it is that I am “looking at.” And to still others, who are in that same bar, standing just off to the side, I am “Get Him!
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I think a lot of people who watch TV don't realize when they're watch TV shows and it says 'produced by' and producer, producer... there are all these producers. What the hell does a producer do? It's funny how much you have to worry about as a producer.
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A refrigerator is the opposite of a drug addict, because a refrigerator starts in a box and then moves to a house.
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I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.
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I believe in empathy. When religion provides that for people, it's the best thing in the world.
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Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.
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When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding.
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Artistically, I find jokes really satisfying aesthetically, because there's something great about getting an idea down to a sentence or two.
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The chances of someone who looks like Jesus having pot raises steadily, to a point. If the guy is on a cross you may have the wrong guy.
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When I am holding a water balloon, so many things look so unnecessarily dry.
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A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.
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Once I started to look i finally began to see.
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Sometimes I feel like I'm being watched, but then I remember that my show was canceled three years ago.
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I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.
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