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If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Hanged
Letters
Calling
Saws
Probably
Start
Getting
Amputee
Ever
Amputees

More quotes by Demetri Martin

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I like parties, but I don't like piñatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there's a donkey with some pizzazz. Let's kick its ass.
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I care about politics, but I have a tough time making comedy out of it. I was so happy to have a chance to be on The Daily Show, and I think Jon Stewart's so funny... but mostly in my own comedy, I care about less relevant things.
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A jerk on a motorcycle is equal to a leaf, because I find it beautiful when these things fall.
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To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.
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I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.
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Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him. But life taught me that that's actually called a Queen.
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I am sometimes referred to as Excuse Me in an annoyed tone of voice, because apparently I am in the way. I am so sorry. I am supposed to be some sort of mind reader, I guess. I am moving out of the way now as slowly as I possibly can. I am doing this and there's nothing you can do about it.
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A refrigerator is the opposite of a drug addict, because a refrigerator starts in a box and then moves to a house.
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The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.
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I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.
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I am a comedian but it's usually not a compliment to be called a prop comedian but I guess I sometimes use props. And I always confuse humorist with comedian. That's strange.
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Batteries are the most dramatic object. Other things stop working or they break, But Batteries... They Die.
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There are very few songs about just liking someone as a friend.
Demetri Martin
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I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly-swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.
Demetri Martin
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I'm always excited to try something I haven't done.
Demetri Martin
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The shortest distance between two idiots is a conga line.
Demetri Martin
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When a Dalmatian sees a cow he must be like, 'What the hell happened to him? I am high right now. That dalmatian is fat and smeary.' When the cow sees the Dalmatian he must be like, 'He looks amazing. I am so out of shape, this is ridiculous. My tits are on the ground here.
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I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, 'Got it!' And then I run away.
Demetri Martin
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Separate but equal is terrible for education but it's perfect for eyebrows.
Demetri Martin
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One of the most difficult and ironic murder weapons is the life jacket.
Demetri Martin