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If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Hanged
Letters
Calling
Saws
Probably
Start
Getting
Amputee
Ever
Amputees

More quotes by Demetri Martin

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I never set out to do a sketch show.
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If you stretched the average person's intestines out from end to end, it would make them scream a lot.
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I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'.
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Sometimes I use my jokes as building blocks for larger bits. I like to draw and play music, so sometimes I do those things along with the jokes.
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It's hard to know what's gay in life. Boxing. That's two men fighting over a belt.
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I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'
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I can always tell how stupid someone is by how certain they are about what they're saying.
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I think a lot of people who watch TV don't realize when they're watch TV shows and it says 'produced by' and producer, producer... there are all these producers. What the hell does a producer do? It's funny how much you have to worry about as a producer.
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Statistics indicate that the average American is a guy named Brian who lives in Ohio.
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When I am at rodeo I find it difficult not to root for the animals.
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There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time.
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It's always helpful to remember that in the grand scheme of things you are much more important than... um, wait, than... something, maybe.
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Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.
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I don't know what the long form of OK is. I wanna think it's okie dokie. 'I'm okie dokie. I'm a little shaken up, but I'm okie dokie.' 'The good news is, she's okie dokie. The surgery went fine.'
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The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast.
Demetri Martin
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People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy.
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Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.
Demetri Martin
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I used to get bummed out when it rained then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies.
Demetri Martin
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Mosquito bites Jesus, receives communion.
Demetri Martin
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I was a good student when I was a kid, and I did everything I was supposed to do, and I got A's.
Demetri Martin