Quote

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.

Demetri Martin

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Funny
Used
Everything
Play
Good
Trophies
Realized
Humor
Sports

More quotes by Demetri Martin

Image
Cotton candy is the perfect snack for when I'm in the mood to eat dry, scratchy fabric.
Demetri Martin
Image
Count your blessings, but not out-loud, at the top of your lungs.
Demetri Martin
Image
One thing you never hear is Man that guy is good at badminton.
Demetri Martin
Image
Popcorn is one of the only situations in which you eat the result of an explosion.
Demetri Martin
Image
This is a pie chart about procrastination.
Demetri Martin
Image
My friend named his car. And I don't want to be judgemental, but... what a dork.
Demetri Martin
Image
You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.
Demetri Martin
Image
Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place.
Demetri Martin
Image
My friend says touche way too much. He's a touche bag.
Demetri Martin
Image
Separate but equal is terrible for education but it's perfect for eyebrows.
Demetri Martin
Image
My friend has hand soap that smells like coconut. It's nice. Unless your hands are dirty from coconuts.
Demetri Martin
Image
I saw a sign that said, 'Watch for children.' I was like, 'That sounds like a fair trade - especially if they're crappy kids.'
Demetri Martin
Image
I wish my name started with a comma. That would be so dramatic.
Demetri Martin
Image
I've heard of many chocoholics, but I ain't never seen no chocohol. We got an epidemic, people: people who like chocolate but don't understand word endings. They're probably over-workaholled.
Demetri Martin
Image
I like when people wear a WWJD bracelet, because it's like an example of the first thing Jesus wouldn't do, probably.
Demetri Martin
Image
When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.
Demetri Martin
Image
It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something.
Demetri Martin
Image
A cool tattoo design is any drawing that would also look good saggy.
Demetri Martin
Image
Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I'm like, Done, next!
Demetri Martin
Image
To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very interesting ringtone of yours.
Demetri Martin