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A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.
Demetri Martin
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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Backseat
Persuasive
Driver
Drivers
Drunk
Dangerous
More quotes by Demetri Martin
You can say 'Thanks,' and you can say 'Thanks a Million' - but any number in between?
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One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage. Because when you're in the woods it makes you blend in. But when you're not it does just the opposite. It's like, 'Hey, there's an asshole.'
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I'm always excited to try something I haven't done.
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Once I started to look i finally began to see.
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You get really disillusioned, because you thought you were in love. But you realize that you're just alone.
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The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.
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If someone throws a pie at your face, just open your mouth really wide and say, 'Thanks for feeding me, a**hole.'
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Having a beard is a good way to make your face more susceptible to velcro.
Demetri Martin
How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.
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It's hard to know what's gay in life. Boxing. That's two men fighting over a belt.
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I bought a new pair of pajamas with pockets, which is great, cause now i don't have to hold things when I sleep.
Demetri Martin
99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks.
Demetri Martin
I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'
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When people show me pictures of their kids, it's okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to their kids, I'm weird. What kind of one way street is that?
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Easy way to make someone sound less powerful, just put DJ in front of their name... ..DJ Abraham Lincoln
Demetri Martin
You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.
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I like birthdays because we celebrate life with cakes. It's so cool. Sometimes when I see a baby, I'm like that much more cake in the world. But then when someone dies, I'm like the cake streak is over.
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There's a very fine line between giving someone the Heimlich maneuver and dry-humping a stranger.
Demetri Martin
Count your blessings, but not out-loud, at the top of your lungs.
Demetri Martin
The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them.
Demetri Martin
