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A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.
Demetri Martin
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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Driver
Drivers
Drunk
Dangerous
Backseat
Persuasive
More quotes by Demetri Martin
When telling a story about how wasted you were last night, stop.
Demetri Martin
When a Dalmatian sees a cow he must be like, 'What the hell happened to him? I am high right now. That dalmatian is fat and smeary.' When the cow sees the Dalmatian he must be like, 'He looks amazing. I am so out of shape, this is ridiculous. My tits are on the ground here.
Demetri Martin
I don't like thank you cards because I don't know what else to say. What do I put on the inside? See Front.
Demetri Martin
I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.
Demetri Martin
Your mind is like a sponge, in the sense that it would come in handy when cleaning off a countertop or something like that.
Demetri Martin
When someone shows you a picture of their kids what they don't want to hear is Oh, yeah, I got pictures of your kid too.
Demetri Martin
A cool tattoo design is any drawing that would also look good saggy.
Demetri Martin
I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.
Demetri Martin
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
Demetri Martin
If you stretched the average person's intestines out from end to end, it would make them scream a lot.
Demetri Martin
It seems that man's greatest natural enemy is the target.
Demetri Martin
If you remove a treehouse from a tree, than it's just a shitty house. Sometimes when i'm in a shitty house, I like to imagine that it's in a tree, than it's like Woah, this house is amazing.
Demetri Martin
I bought a new pair of pajamas with pockets, which is great, cause now i don't have to hold things when I sleep.
Demetri Martin
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front of me.
Demetri Martin
Dogs seem more photogenic than cats. In photos most cats look like sociopaths.
Demetri Martin
If I could control the behavior of fat guys I would make them ride mopeds more often.
Demetri Martin
I think there's a difference between making comedy and reporting comedy. When you're a joke teller you can easily fall into the second, you can show up and just say the jokes.
Demetri Martin
I am a man of my word… and that word is “unreliable.
Demetri Martin
I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it.
Demetri Martin
I've heard of many chocoholics, but I ain't never seen no chocohol. We got an epidemic, people: people who like chocolate but don't understand word endings. They're probably over-workaholled.
Demetri Martin
