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A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Backseat
Persuasive
Driver
Drivers
Drunk
Dangerous

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This is a pie chart about procrastination.
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My mind says one thing, but my body says another. Thanks a lot, Indian food and beer.
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I wish I lived next to Carnegie Hall. Then, if someone asked me how to get to my house, I would just say 'Practice, practice, practice, and then take a left.'
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I want to make a revolving door that says 'Pull' on it, just see how obedient people are.
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The lord works in mysterious ways. Indeed. And a shorter way to say that is: God is a sneak.
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I ordered a wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman's voice said, 'What the hell are you doing with your life?'
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The boomerang is Australia's chief export (and then import).
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Sometimes it looks like I'm dancing, but it's just that I walked into a spider web.
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When I am at rodeo I find it difficult not to root for the animals.
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I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word dictionary, and it said you're an asshole.
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I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.
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A refrigerator is the opposite of a drug addict, because a refrigerator starts in a box and then moves to a house.
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I think it would be worse to get mauled by a dancing bear than just a regular bear because you can't totally blame the dancing bear.
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I'm a producer on my show, which is great, but it's also kind of a mixed blessing because there's so much responsibility. Everything is a decision. You have to worry about the money, you have to worry about daylight, who we're going to cast and if this location doesn't work out, what are we going to do?
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I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'
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When I am given a multiple choice test I choose not to take it.
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Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.
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I used to get bummed out when it rained then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies.
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Cotton candy is the perfect snack for when I'm in the mood to eat dry, scratchy fabric.
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I don't know what the long form of OK is. I wanna think it's okie dokie. 'I'm okie dokie. I'm a little shaken up, but I'm okie dokie.' 'The good news is, she's okie dokie. The surgery went fine.'
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