Quote

Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Swimming
Sport
Fun
Sports
Sure
Dies
Times
Sometimes
Confusing

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I like playing frisbee. It is the only sport where you can throw something at a person and it's okay.
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If someone throws a pie at your face, just open your mouth really wide and say, 'Thanks for feeding me, a**hole.'
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When I am given a multiple choice test I choose not to take it.
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I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!'
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I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front of me.
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I want to get the joke to work without having to put any words or to say anything. I just want the person to look at it, and quietly in their brain, they can just put it together and say, Cool, that one works.
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I wonder if there were any goths in gothic times. They're like: You look completely appropriate. You don't look stupid or lonely at all.
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When telling a story about how wasted you were last night, stop.
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The chances of someone who looks like Jesus having pot raises steadily, to a point. If the guy is on a cross you may have the wrong guy.
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In retrospect, everything is finite, but prospectively, there are infinite possibilities. I guess that's what makes life hopeful.
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Statistics indicate that the average American is a guy named Brian who lives in Ohio.
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It is a little ironic that one thing a babysitter should not do is sit on a baby.
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A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.
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I remember when I used to be really into nostalgia.
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Popcorn is one of the only situations in which you eat the result of an explosion.
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One of the most difficult and ironic murder weapons is the life jacket.
Demetri Martin
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But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.
Demetri Martin
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Sometimes if I really want to get someone's attention, I'll start a sentence with something like, I'm not racist, but... I say, I'm not racist, but you look great today. They say, That wasn't racist at all. I said, I know. I said I'm not racist. You never listen. Typical Mexican.
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The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast.
Demetri Martin
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Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.
Demetri Martin