Quote

Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Type
Laughing
Humor
Honest
Funny
Quietly
Whenever
Laugh
Computer

More quotes by Demetri Martin

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The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.
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My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.
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I've often liked a girl, made her laugh, and thought she liked me, and then found out that she didn't like me that way. I've definitely done time in the friend zone.
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I love bowling almost as much as I love not bowling.
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A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.
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The lord works in mysterious ways. Indeed. And a shorter way to say that is: God is a sneak.
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I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, 'Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper.' The paper I used said, 'Happy Birthday.' I didn't want to waste it, so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.
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Everybody knew that you should never provoke a rattlesnake, much less tie it into a bow. But that didn't stop Judd. What did stop him was the rattlesnake.
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I'm a producer on my show, which is great, but it's also kind of a mixed blessing because there's so much responsibility. Everything is a decision. You have to worry about the money, you have to worry about daylight, who we're going to cast and if this location doesn't work out, what are we going to do?
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I equals all of the ifs added up over time. The ifs, those are the possibilities that's infinite for all of us. Every day there are just millions of them. Time, that's finite for each of us there is no question there. Maybe if you divide choices by the amount of time you have, the real I can emerge, depending upon those choices.
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99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks.
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I remember when I used to be really into nostalgia.
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Separate but equal is terrible for education but it's perfect for eyebrows.
Demetri Martin
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I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'.
Demetri Martin
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Man is the most powerful creature on the planet. And we're arrogant. I mean, people own birds. It's like, there's a creature with the gift of flight. I want it. I'm going to put it in my kitchen and make it crap on old information.
Demetri Martin
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I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.
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I believe in empathy. When religion provides that for people, it's the best thing in the world.
Demetri Martin
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A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.
Demetri Martin
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Futon World - a wonderful place that becomes slowly less comfortable over time.
Demetri Martin
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Never forget where you came from. That's what I think when I walk into a cave.
Demetri Martin