Quote

I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Else
Wander
Someone
Sorry
Waved
Thought
Walking
Sauntering
Journey
Trekking
Humor
Strolling
Walks
Hiking
Guy
Park
Funny
Parks

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My policy is 'No stone throwing regardless of housing situation.'
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I learned this summer that peeing in the pool and peeing INTO the pool are very different things. Location, Location, Location.
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When I trip, I feel like that's the world saying come here for a second. It just pulls me closer for a second, yeah what do you want? I just want to remind you that you're uncoordinated. I'm aware of that, thank you... can I go now? Yeah, you can go, but never ever try to outrun me. Ok, world, see you later. Yeah, I'll see you in about 50 years.
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When someone shows you a picture of their kids what they don't want to hear is Oh, yeah, I got pictures of your kid too.
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Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place.
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REGARDING THE MARCHING BAND: How much more interesting it would be to see a creeping band.
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I got myself a really nice nib pen, with like 15 kinds of India Ink, and tons of different nibs I think I was just procrastinating, like, once I have the right nib, the book is just going to jump right out of my fingertips... but then it just ended up looking like the shitty drawings that I usually do.
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I have fun acting, and I want to do more of it, and I want to direct my own movie.
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The difference between a child's toy and an adult toy is: location, location, location.
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I bought a new pair of pajamas with pockets, which is great, cause now i don't have to hold things when I sleep.
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One thing you never hear is Man that guy is good at badminton.
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And as far as actors go, Peter Sellers is my all-time favorite.
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I used to get bummed out when it rained then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies.
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I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front of me.
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Halloween's my favorite holiday because you don't have to spend it with your family.
Demetri Martin
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When someone asks you the question 'Are you ticklish' it doesn't matter if you say yes or no, cause they're going to touch you. If someone asks if you're ticklish and you don't want to be touched you should something like 'I have diarrhea, now don't touch me cause you'll make it come out... and yes I'm very ticklish'.
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The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience.
Demetri Martin
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Don't talk to strangers. Sure, unless you want to meet anyone ever.
Demetri Martin
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99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks.
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Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.
Demetri Martin