Quote

I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Year
Presents
Wrong
Birthday
Happy
Christmas
Jesus
Wrote
Funny
Waste
Didn
Early
Xmas
Used
Paper
Wrapped
Years
Humor
Merry

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Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.
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I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.
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I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down. Then, at night, I say the thought to people through a microphone. I don't think about politics or pop culture very much, so those thoughts don't often make it to the microphone.
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It's always helpful to remember that in the grand scheme of things you are much more important than... um, wait, than... something, maybe.
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It is interesting that the black BMW is the preferred car of so many assholes.
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I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.
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Separate but equal is terrible for education but it's perfect for eyebrows.
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When you're wearing an animal costume and something bad happens, your facial expression doesn't change. The animal is deadpan the whole time. If you're skiing in a gorilla suit and you fall, you just see a gorilla who has no emotion. It's just a stoic gorilla, wildly falling down a hill, out of control.
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Overheard today in restaurant: Can you stop listening to our conversation?
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I wonder if, as a society, we will ever be able to call someone a jive tofurkey.
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I think my favorite sound is the sound of someone not playing the bongos.
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I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'
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Your mind is like a sponge, in the sense that it would come in handy when cleaning off a countertop or something like that.
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I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.
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I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.'
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Canoe plus waterfall equals I don't go camping anymore.
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I want to launch a globe into space just to mess with the astronauts.
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Once I started to look i finally began to see.
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I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it.
Demetri Martin
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It's hard to know what's gay in life. Boxing. That's two men fighting over a belt.
Demetri Martin