Quote

any criticism heard secondhand sounds worse than it would face to face. Words spoken out of our presence strike us as more powerful, just as people we know only by reputation seem larger than life.

Deborah Tannen

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Deborah Tannen
Age: 79
Born: 1945
Born: June 7
Linguist
Professor
University Teacher
Brooklyn
New York
Deborah Frances Tannen
People
Powerful
Strikes
Face
Reputation
Faces
Sounds
Sound
Presence
Words
Criticism
Secondhand
Seems
Worse
Strike
Would
Seem
Spoken
Life
Heard
Larger

More quotes by Deborah Tannen

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Some days you just want to get dressed and go about your business. But if you're a woman, you can't, because there is no unmarked woman.
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Treating people the same is not equal treatment if they are not the same.
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Words can be like weapons of destruction: It takes so much effort, and the cooperation of so many people, to build something - and so little effort of so few to tear it down.
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When people realize that in the long run you may be turning off the audiences more, even though they will look temporarily--in the end they turn away, we really need to develop other metaphors and not talk about two sides, but talk about all sides.
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Public discourse requires making an argument for a point of view, not having an argument - as in having a fight.
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Life is a matter of dealing with other people, in little matters and cataclysmic ones, and that means a series of conversations.
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The chivalrous man who holds a door open or signals a woman to go ahead of him when he's driving is negotiating both status and connection.
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When those closest to us respond to events differently than we do, when they seem to see the same scene as part of a different play, when they say things that we could not imagine saying in the same circumstances, the ground on which we stand seems to tremble and our footing is suddenly unsure.
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All communication is more or less cross-cultural. We learn to use language as we grow up, and growing up in different parts of the country, having different ethnic, religious, or class backgrounds, even just being male or female - all result in different ways of talking.
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Part of the reason images of women in positions of authority are marked by their gender is that the very notion of authority is associated with maleness.
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Relationships are made of talk - and talk is for girls and women.
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To say that a person feels listened to means a lot more than just their ideas get heard. It's a sign of respect. It makes people feel valued.
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Critiquing relieves you of the responsibility of doing integrative thinking.
Deborah Tannen
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[T]he seeds of [the Argument Culture] can be found our classrooms, where a teacher will introduce an article or an idea . . . setting up debates where people learn not to listen to each other because they're so busy trying to win the debate.
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In dialogue, there is opposition, yes, but no head-on collision. Smashing heads does not open minds.
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It can be the best of relationships and the worst of relationships - often at the same time. The bond between a mother and daughter is one of the strongest, but it's also among the most complicated.
Deborah Tannen
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The biggest mistake is believing there is one right way to listen, to talk, to have a conversation - or a relationship.
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The key to conversation at work is flexibility and understanding how what you say might be perceived by others.
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Though all humans need both intimacy and independence, women tend to focus on the first and men on the second. It is as if their lifeblood ran in different directions.
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In an ongoing relationship, each current criticism packs the punches of all the others that have gone before.
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