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I felt a constant, low-flying desperation, the kind you feel when you are trying, trying, trying to get something you will never, ever get.

Deb Caletti

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Deb Caletti
Age: 61
Born: 1963
Born: June 16
Novelist
Writer
San Rafael
California
Ever
Feel
Feels
Trying
Desperation
Kind
Flying
Something
Lows
Never
Constant
Felt

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We can get so wrapped up in our own misconceptions that we miss the simple beauty of the truth.
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A drop of poison on that gathering snow. That moment in the fairy tale when we know what just happened but the princess doesn’t.
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But then there are the van Goghs and Hemingways and Mozarts, those who feel a hunger so deep, so far down, that greatness lies there too, nestled somewhere within it. Those who get their inner voice and direction from the cool mysterious insides of the moon, and not from the earth like the rest of us.
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If you look up charming in the dictionary, you'll see that it not only has references to strong attraction, but to spells and magic. Then again, what are liars if not great magicians?
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Maybe some people just had trouble with forever.
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A person could leave you so quickly. So much history and time and memories, but they snuck away from you, and other things took their place. How could you hold on? Wait. A bigger question. The biggest. How could you hold on and let go?
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Stories took twists and turns down fairy-tale paths or down very human everyday ones. You think you’re at the end of the book, and it’s only the end of a chapter.
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Accents are funny in that they have this odd draw for us, yet we forget we have one, too. No one is without an accent, but the one you’ve got seems like oatmeal to their caviar.
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Are you getting your period? She narrows her eyes. No! God. I hate that. I hate when every negative act is blamed on your period. Sometimes bitchiness is just bitchiness, happily unattached to anything hormonal. It should get full credit.
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so what brings you to the doctor today? hmm, im afraid i have the chronic desire to save people i know about that. i've got it too. maybe it's catching. not catching enough
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Fear was the biggest bullshitter, he’d said. But sometimes, too, fear told the truth.
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So I put up with bad behavior in the name of loving the way I thought you were supposed to love.
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The magic of purpose and of love in its purest form. Not televison love, with its glare and hollow and sequined glint not sex and allure, all high shoes and high drama, everything both too small and in too much excess, but just love. Love like rain, like the smell of a tangerine, like a surprise found in your pocket.
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It took me years to figure out that upset was upset, and tumultuousness was not the same thing as passion. Love isn't drama.
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I put the guitar back in the case. I can't even look at it anymore. Instead, I want to make brownies. I want an end result there's a recipe for. I want to combine eggs and water and oil and chocolate and flour and sugar and vanilla and get something fulfilling.
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I thought I might cry, the way you do when someone gives you some kindness when you most need it but when it seems the most surprising thing.
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I've heard that people stand in bad situations because a relationship like that gets turned up by degrees. It is said that a frog will jump out of a pot of boiling water. Place him in a pot and turn it up a little at a time, and he will stay until he is boiled to death. Us frogs understand this.
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When you raise an animal, you live it like your own child.
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It was possible, maybe, to have facts in your mind that weren't facts at all. You could build a whole life's story on false assumptions. You could make truths out of untruths and untruths out of truths. Until you spoke them, really said them out loud or checked for sure, you may not have known which were which.
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The way two people can end up in the same place, find each other in a crowd, and change their lives and the lives of the people around them forever... It makes you believe in fate. And fate gives love some authority. Like it's been stamped with approval from above, if you believe in above. A godly green light. Some destined significance.
Deb Caletti