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Sometimes people say, do you want a drink? And I say, oh, I'd like to, but I'm a tragic alcoholic. I always say tragic. I'm a tragic alcoholic.

David Sedaris

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David Sedaris
Age: 67
Born: 1956
Born: December 26
Comedian
Essayist
Humorist
Writer
Binghamton
New York
David Raymond Sedaris
Drink
Sometimes
Always
Like
People
Alcoholic
Tragic

More quotes by David Sedaris

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I've often lost faith in myself, I've never lost it in my family.
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I've been keeping a diary for thirty-three years and write in it every morning. Most of it's just whining, but every so often there'll be something I can use later: a joke, a description, a quote. It's an invaluable aid when it comes to winning arguments. 'That's not what you said on February 3, 1996,' I'll say to someone.
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I started writing when I was twenty, and my first book came out seventeen years later.
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If you are any kind of an artist, then validation . . . can be a result, but you're going to do the work anyway.
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I can't seem to fathom that the things important to me are not important to other people as well, and so I come off sounding like a missionary, someone whose job it is to convert rather than listen.
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A lot of people don't know what they want, you know, or they're just kind of vague about it.
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I meet people at book signings. My record now, for signing, is ten and a half hours in one sitting.
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The fake slap invariably makes contact, adding the elements of shock and betrayal to what had previously been plain old-fashioned fear.
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I sometimes read books on my iPad.
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The good thing about being gay, though, I always believed, is that you didn't make anyone go to a wedding. Nobody wants to go to a wedding. Nobody. It kind of bothers me now that you have to go to gay weddings, too. I don't care. It's still a wedding. And I would give anybody double gifts if they would elope.
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There is a reason there is no such thing as a folk writer. But to be a writer you have learn what it takes to captivate a reader in order to make them turn the page. And in order to learn that, you have to read.
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Snowball just leads elves on, elves and Santas. He is playing a dangerous game.
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If you aren't cute, you may as well be clever.
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... [I] recall thinking that the computer would never advance much further than this. Call me naïve, but I seemed to have underestimated the universal desire to sit in a hard plastic chair and stare at a screen until your eyes cross.
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What other people call dark and despairing, I call funny.
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Most people, or at least most of the people that I've come into contact with, would like to be written about.
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High school taught me a valuable lesson about glasses: Don't wear them. Contacts have always seemed like too much work, so instead I just squint, figuring that if something is more than ten feet away, I'll just deal with it when I get there.
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It was the look you get when facing a sudden and insurmountable danger: the errant truck, the shaky ladder, the crazy person who pins you to the linoleum and insists, with increasing urgency, that everything you know and love can be undone by a grape.
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The things I've bought from strangers in the dark would curl your hair.
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I giggled out loud at his stupidity. If anyone knew how to make a bed, it was a faggot.
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