Quote

What can you say about the family who is suing the railroad after their drunk son was killed walking on the tracks? Trains don't normally sneak up on people. Unless they've derailed, you pretty much know where to find them.

David Sedaris

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David Sedaris
Age: 67
Born: 1956
Born: December 26
Comedian
Essayist
Humorist
Writer
Binghamton
New York
David Raymond Sedaris
Pretty
Normally
Family
Killed
Derailed
Find
Drunk
Suing
Much
Track
Railroad
People
Son
Railroads
Train
Trains
Walking
Sneak
Unless
Tracks

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If you aren't cute, you may as well be clever.
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Weird doors open. People fall into things.
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It's unrealistic to live your life within such strict parameters.
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But I'm a humorist. I'm not a reporter, I never pretended to be a reporter.
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There are lots of things that happen to me that I don't write about.
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But instead I am applying for a job as an elf. Even worse than applying is the very real possibility that I will not be hired, that I couldn't even find work as an elf. That's when you know you're a failure.
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No one writes dialect better than Flannery O'Connor. No one should even try.
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I don't think my life is more interesting than anybody else's.
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We can't profess love without talking through hand puppets.
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A week after my drugs ran out, I left my bed to perform at the college, deciding at the last minute to skip both the doughnut toss and the march of the headless plush toys. Instead, I just heated up a skillet of plastic soldiers, poured a milkshake over my head and called it a night.
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I find it ridiculous to assign a gender to an inanimate object incapable of disrobing and making an occasional fool of itself.
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God was someone I wound up turning over and over in my mind each night... Was He punishing me with this meal or was He rewarding me? Did He actively watch me or take me for granted like a fish you don't notice until it's floating on the surface of the tank?
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Everyone looks retarded once you set your mind to it.
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Most people, or at least most of the people that I've come into contact with, would like to be written about.
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It's hard to love a place that's outlawed smoking but finds it perfectly acceptable to serve raw fish in a bath of chocolate.
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Sometimes you read something and it's just -- it doesn't invite a reader....Sometimes you read something and it's not saying, 'oh come in, come in have a seat. I'm going to tell you what happened.' Perhaps my writing comes off as conversational...and that takes effort.
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A lot of people don't know what they want, you know, or they're just kind of vague about it.
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I hated leaving a hole in the smoking world, and so I recruited someone to take my place. People have given me a lot of grief, but I'm pretty sure that after high school, this girl would have started anyway, especially if she chose the army over community college.
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I needed to temper (my dad's) enthusiasm a bit (about attending Princeton), and so I announced that I would be majoring in patricide...My mom was actually jealous.
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Also, I used to think that one day I might get someone to iron my shirts, but the truth is I really like doing them myself.
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