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I don't really do very well when I'm sent somewhere. A lot of magazines want to send you somewhere to do something. They want you to stow away on a ship, or something like that.

David Sedaris

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David Sedaris
Age: 67
Born: 1956
Born: December 26
Comedian
Essayist
Humorist
Writer
Binghamton
New York
David Raymond Sedaris
Like
Magazines
Send
Somewhere
Away
Wells
Stow
Well
Ship
Something
Sent
Really
Ships

More quotes by David Sedaris

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In my dream world gay people in America would get the right to marry, and not a one of them would use that right.
David Sedaris
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I gave my mother a matching set [of mugs] for Christmas, and she accepted them as graciously as possible, announcing that they would make the perfect pet bowls. The mugs were set on the kitchen floor and remained there until the cat chipped a tooth and went on a hunger strike.
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But I'm a humorist. I'm not a reporter, I never pretended to be a reporter.
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there's a reason regular people don't appear on TV: we're boring.
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My family isn't really all that different from anyone else's. Well, maybe they're a bit more entertaining.
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It's hard to love a place that's outlawed smoking but finds it perfectly acceptable to serve raw fish in a bath of chocolate.
David Sedaris
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All I do is lie, and that has made me immune to compliments.
David Sedaris
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I'd always thought that I understood this, but lately I realize that what I call understanding is basically just fantasizing.
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Comfort has its place, but it seems rude to visit another country dressed as if you’ve come to mow its lawns.
David Sedaris
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Oh, for Christ's sake,' I hear. 'Can we please just try to have a good time?' This is like ordering someone to find you attractive, and it doesn't work. I've tried it.
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I would be writing and trying to write like Joan Didion. Or if I was reading Raymond Carver. You know, strong stylists. But that's how you find your voice, is imitating other people. So things like that didn't embarrass me, because I thought, well, that's how it goes. That's how everyone learns.
David Sedaris
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I don't worry about being exposed. When I'm writing about myself I think about myself as a character. There is a ton of stuff going on in my life that I don't write about. If I need to write that stuff down, I write about myself in my diary.
David Sedaris
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At first, writing for The New Yorker was very scary to me. I couldn't imagine anything that I would write in that typeface.
David Sedaris
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I can't promise I'll never kill anyone again, he once said, strapping a refrigerator to his back. It's unrealistic to live your life within such strict parameters
David Sedaris
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High school taught me a valuable lesson about glasses: Don't wear them. Contacts have always seemed like too much work, so instead I just squint, figuring that if something is more than ten feet away, I'll just deal with it when I get there.
David Sedaris
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What other people call dark and despairing, I call funny.
David Sedaris
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As a child I assumed that when I reached adulthood, I would have grown-up thoughts.
David Sedaris
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If finding an apartment is like falling in love, buying one is like proposing on your first date and agreeing not to see each other until the wedding.
David Sedaris
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I'm glad that I didn't have the Internet when I started writing. I started writing when I was 20 and didn't show a word of it to anyone until I was 28. I had the sense to keep it to myself. Now the temptation with blogs and such, they're just getting it out there maybe it would have been best to keep it to themselves.
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Speed eliminates all doubt. Am I smart enough? Will people like me? Do I really look all right in this plastic jumpsuit?
David Sedaris