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But instead I am applying for a job as an elf. Even worse than applying is the very real possibility that I will not be hired, that I couldn't even find work as an elf. That's when you know you're a failure.

David Sedaris

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David Sedaris
Age: 67
Born: 1956
Born: December 26
Comedian
Essayist
Humorist
Writer
Binghamton
New York
David Raymond Sedaris
Real
Hired
Even
Worse
Work
Failure
Possibility
Couldn
Instead
Jobs
Find
Applying

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As bad a dresser as I am, anything beats being judged by my character.
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It is funny the things that run through your mind when you're sitting in your underpants in front of a pair of strangers.
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The thought of killing myself had slowed me down to five miles per hour. The thought of killing someone else stopped me completely.
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We were not a hugging people. In terms of emotional comfort it was our belief that no amount of physical contact could match the healing powers of a well made cocktail.
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There are lots of things that happen to me that I don't write about.
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Do I exaggerate? Boy, do I, and I'd do it more if I could get away with it.
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Art isn't about following the rules. It's about breaking them.
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If you read someone else's diary, you get what you deserve.
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Maybe one day, I would write a story about arguing in public, and those would come in handy in some way.
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I can't promise I'll never kill anyone again, he once said, strapping a refrigerator to his back. It's unrealistic to live your life within such strict parameters
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Of course, the diary helps me as well. 'That wasn't your position on July 7, 1991,' I'll remind Hugh an hour after we've had a fight. I'd have loved to rebut him sooner, but it takes awhile to look these things up.
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I don't like travelling if I know I have to write about it.
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This left me alone to solve the coffee problem - a sort of catch-22, as in order to think straight I need caffeine, and in order to make that happen I need to think straight.
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If you aren't cute, you may as well be clever.
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I'm the most important person in the lives of almost everyone I know and a good number of the people I've never even met.
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As a child I assumed that when I reached adulthood, I would have grown-up thoughts.
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I'm not a reporter but the 'New Yorker' treats everyone like a reporter.
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A history of listening to Top 40 radio had left me with a ridiculous and clichéd notion of love. I had never entertained the feeling myself but knew that it meant never having to say you're sorry. It was a many-splendored thing. Love was a rose and a hammer. Both blind and all-seeing, it made the world go round.
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There is a reason there is no such thing as a folk writer. But to be a writer you have learn what it takes to captivate a reader in order to make them turn the page. And in order to learn that, you have to read.
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