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The thought of killing myself had slowed me down to five miles per hour. The thought of killing someone else stopped me completely.

David Sedaris

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David Sedaris
Age: 67
Born: 1956
Born: December 26
Comedian
Essayist
Humorist
Writer
Binghamton
New York
David Raymond Sedaris
Five
Hours
Slowed
Else
Stopped
Someone
Miles
Thought
Killing
Hour
Completely

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I always think it's a good policy to like the people who like you.
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In the beginning, I was put off by the harshness of German. Someone would order a piece of cake, and it sounded as if it were an actual order, like, Cut the cake and lie facedown in that ditch between the cobbler and the little girl.
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There are certain people in my life who didn't care to be in my book. And so I cut them out. And I had broken up with somebody. And I was, you know, really upset and depressed. And so that was, you know, reasons to keep going.
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I haven't got the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective candidates just in case I should ever figure it out.
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Given enough time, I guess anything can look good. All it has to do is survive.
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Maybe one day, I would write a story about arguing in public, and those would come in handy in some way.
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Snowball just leads elves on, elves and Santas. He is playing a dangerous game.
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Say what you will about the south, but in North Carolina a hot dog is free to swing anyway it wishes.
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All of a sudden, when you're exposed to a large audience, they think you just started writing that day, but I started years before. I look back at things I wrote then and I'm so embarrassed - the writing seems so blocky and choppy to me and I wouldn't have wanted success any sooner because the writing was even worse.
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Everyone looks retarded once you set your mind to it.
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There are lots of things that happen to me that I don't write about.
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I've never made up events, but I've always been a big exaggerator. It's written on my humorist license that I'm allowed to do that.
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All I do is lie, and that has made me immune to compliments.
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I always knew I wanted it to be illustrated.
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I hated leaving a hole in the smoking world, and so I recruited someone to take my place. People have given me a lot of grief, but I'm pretty sure that after high school, this girl would have started anyway, especially if she chose the army over community college.
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As bad a dresser as I am, anything beats being judged by my character.
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If you aren't cute, you may as well be clever.
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