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My conscience is crosswired with my sweat glands, but there's a short in the system and I break out over things I didn't do, which only makes me look more suspect.

David Sedaris

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David Sedaris
Age: 67
Born: 1956
Born: December 26
Comedian
Essayist
Humorist
Writer
Binghamton
New York
David Raymond Sedaris
Looks
Guilt
Things
Conscience
Short
System
Break
Glands
Makes
Suspect
Didn
Suspects
Look
Sweat

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People are often frightened of Parisians, but an American in Paris will find no harsher critic than another American.
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As bad a dresser as I am, anything beats being judged by my character.
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All I do is lie, and that has made me immune to compliments.
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There is a reason there is no such thing as a folk writer. But to be a writer you have learn what it takes to captivate a reader in order to make them turn the page. And in order to learn that, you have to read.
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You can't brace yourself for famine if you've never known hunger.
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If you stepped out of the shower and saw a leprechaun standing at the base of your toilet, would you scream, or would you innately understand that he meant you no harm?
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I won't put in a load of laundry, because the machine is too loud and would drown out other, more significant noises - namely, the shuffling footsteps of the living dead.
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I always knew I wanted it to be illustrated.
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It was the look you get when facing a sudden and insurmountable danger: the errant truck, the shaky ladder, the crazy person who pins you to the linoleum and insists, with increasing urgency, that everything you know and love can be undone by a grape.
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I needed to temper (my dad's) enthusiasm a bit (about attending Princeton), and so I announced that I would be majoring in patricide...My mom was actually jealous.
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Comfort has its place, but it seems rude to visit another country dressed as if you’ve come to mow its lawns.
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I find it ridiculous to assign a gender to an inanimate object incapable of disrobing and making an occasional fool of itself.
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Most people, or at least most of the people that I've come into contact with, would like to be written about.
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Maybe one day, I would write a story about arguing in public, and those would come in handy in some way.
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I'm the most important person in the lives of almost everyone I know and a good number of the people I've never even met.
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I didn't know about the rest of the class, but when Bastille Day eventually rolled around, I planned to stay home and clean my oven.
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