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When they're born outside, crows come and pluck their eyes out.

David Sedaris

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David Sedaris
Age: 67
Born: 1956
Born: December 26
Comedian
Essayist
Humorist
Writer
Binghamton
New York
David Raymond Sedaris
Crow
Outside
Eyes
Eye
Born
Come
Crows
Pluck

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The drama bug strikes hardest with Jews, homosexuals and plump women who wear their hair in bangs. These are people who, for one reason or another, desperately crave attention
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All I do is lie, and that has made me immune to compliments.
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I'm not a reporter but the 'New Yorker' treats everyone like a reporter.
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Also, I used to think that one day I might get someone to iron my shirts, but the truth is I really like doing them myself.
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It's safe to assume that by 2085 guns will be sold in vending machines but you won't be able to smoke anywhere in America.
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whenever I read a passage that moves me, I transcribe it in my diary, hoping my fingers might learn what excellence feels like.
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Snowball just leads elves on, elves and Santas. He is playing a dangerous game.
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He looked as though his life had not only passed him by but paused along the way to spit in his face.
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I'm not afraid to write about madness. I always figure that whatever most embarrasses you is something that everyone can relate to, really...because we're just not that different. So if you think, 'Oh my god, this is so embarrassing. I can't possibly talk about that,' and you write about it, the audience is gonna be like, 'that happened to me!
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Sometimes people say, do you want a drink? And I say, oh, I'd like to, but I'm a tragic alcoholic. I always say tragic. I'm a tragic alcoholic.
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It's unrealistic to live your life within such strict parameters.
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I like to reserve the right to write about whatever I like.
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Say what you will about the south, but in North Carolina a hot dog is free to swing anyway it wishes.
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Their house had real hardcover books in it, and you often saw them lying open on the sofa, the words still warm from being read.
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I can't promise I'll never kill anyone again, he once said, strapping a refrigerator to his back. It's unrealistic to live your life within such strict parameters
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The interesting thing about gay people is that you can't really put on a wedding without them. They're the ones who make your dress, and do the flowers and the catering. They've toiled in the wedding industry all these years but were never allowed to do it themselves.
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I giggled out loud at his stupidity. If anyone knew how to make a bed, it was a faggot.
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I've never made up events, but I've always been a big exaggerator. It's written on my humorist license that I'm allowed to do that.
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When I look at a lot of older stuff that I've written, I think one sign of amateur humor writing is when you see people trying too hard.
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As bad a dresser as I am, anything beats being judged by my character.
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