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I just think that the people who say: 'That's not true' when someone tells a story at dinner are the people who didn't get any laughs when they told their story.

David Sedaris

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David Sedaris
Age: 67
Born: 1956
Born: December 26
Comedian
Essayist
Humorist
Writer
Binghamton
New York
David Raymond Sedaris
Stories
Tells
Think
Dinner
Thinking
Laughing
People
Told
Story
True
Didn
Someone
Laughs

More quotes by David Sedaris

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It didn't seem fair to me that Jon Stewart's rally didn't get the same kind of attention that Glenn Beck's did. Why was Beck's seen as checking the thermometer of the country, and Jon Stewart just dismissed as a satirist?
David Sedaris
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What can you say about the family who is suing the railroad after their drunk son was killed walking on the tracks? Trains don't normally sneak up on people. Unless they've derailed, you pretty much know where to find them.
David Sedaris
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There are certain people in my life who didn't care to be in my book. And so I cut them out. And I had broken up with somebody. And I was, you know, really upset and depressed. And so that was, you know, reasons to keep going.
David Sedaris
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They were nothing like the French people I had imagined. If anything, they were too kind, too generous and too knowledgable in the fields of plumbing and electricity.
David Sedaris
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I haven't got the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective candidates just in case I should ever figure it out.
David Sedaris
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My conscience is crosswired with my sweat glands, but there's a short in the system and I break out over things I didn't do, which only makes me look more suspect.
David Sedaris
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Everyone looks retarded once you set your mind to it.
David Sedaris
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It is funny the things that run through your mind when you're sitting in your underpants in front of a pair of strangers.
David Sedaris
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If I'm stuck, I get up from my chair and I wash windows. Or... clean the bathroom. Or vacuum the attic. There's always something to be done.
David Sedaris
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A week after my drugs ran out, I left my bed to perform at the college, deciding at the last minute to skip both the doughnut toss and the march of the headless plush toys. Instead, I just heated up a skillet of plastic soldiers, poured a milkshake over my head and called it a night.
David Sedaris
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Maybe one day, I would write a story about arguing in public, and those would come in handy in some way.
David Sedaris
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He looked as though his life had not only passed him by but paused along the way to spit in his face.
David Sedaris
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The humor section is the last place an author wants to be. They put your stuff next to collections of Cathy cartoons.
David Sedaris
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And when Hugh would grow progressively Gandhi on me, I'd remind him that these were pests---disease carriers who feasted upon the dead and then came indoors to dance upon our silverware.
David Sedaris
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but I have no mind for business and considered staying awake to be enough of an accomplishment.
David Sedaris
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Snowball just leads elves on, elves and Santas. He is playing a dangerous game.
David Sedaris
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I felt uncomfortable calling myself a writer until I started with 'The New Yorker,' and then I was like, 'Okay, now you can call yourself that.
David Sedaris
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When I look at a lot of older stuff that I've written, I think one sign of amateur humor writing is when you see people trying too hard.
David Sedaris
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I can't seem to fathom that the things important to me are not important to other people as well, and so I come off sounding like a missionary, someone whose job it is to convert rather than listen.
David Sedaris
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It make one's mouth hurt to speak with such forced merriment.
David Sedaris