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As a child I assumed that when I reached adulthood, I would have grown-up thoughts.

David Sedaris

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David Sedaris
Age: 67
Born: 1956
Born: December 26
Comedian
Essayist
Humorist
Writer
Binghamton
New York
David Raymond Sedaris
Comedian
Grown
Thoughts
Child
Funny
Adulthood
Children
Assumed
Would
Maturity
Thinking
Reached

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I didn't know about the rest of the class, but when Bastille Day eventually rolled around, I planned to stay home and clean my oven.
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If you read someone else's diary, you get what you deserve.
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If you aren't cute, you may as well be clever.
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They were nothing like the French people I had imagined. If anything, they were too kind, too generous and too knowledgable in the fields of plumbing and electricity.
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I don't like travelling if I know I have to write about it.
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I'm the most important person in the lives of almost everyone I know and a good number of the people I've never even met.
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What other people call dark and despairing, I call funny.
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But I'm a humorist. I'm not a reporter, I never pretended to be a reporter.
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It was my friend Frank, a writer in San Francisco, who finally set me straight. When asked about my new look he put down his fork and stared at me for a few moments. A bow tie announces to the world you can no longer get an erection.
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I went from having 50 listeners to 50 million listeners.
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High school taught me a valuable lesson about glasses: Don't wear them. Contacts have always seemed like too much work, so instead I just squint, figuring that if something is more than ten feet away, I'll just deal with it when I get there.
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... [I] recall thinking that the computer would never advance much further than this. Call me naïve, but I seemed to have underestimated the universal desire to sit in a hard plastic chair and stare at a screen until your eyes cross.
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I started writing when I was twenty, and my first book came out seventeen years later.
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Sometimes the sins you haven't committed are all you have to hold on to. If you're really desperate, you might need to grope, saying, for example, I've never killed anyone with a hammer or I've never stolen from anyone who didn't deserve it.
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If I were president, I would turn the tables and allow the fetus to abort its mother.
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It's unrealistic to live your life within such strict parameters.
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It's hard to love a place that's outlawed smoking but finds it perfectly acceptable to serve raw fish in a bath of chocolate.
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In my dream world gay people in America would get the right to marry, and not a one of them would use that right.
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At first, writing for The New Yorker was very scary to me. I couldn't imagine anything that I would write in that typeface.
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