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As a child I assumed that when I reached adulthood, I would have grown-up thoughts.

David Sedaris

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David Sedaris
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: December 26
Comedian
Essayist
Humorist
Writer
Binghamton
New York
David Raymond Sedaris
Comedian
Grown
Thoughts
Child
Funny
Adulthood
Children
Assumed
Would
Maturity
Thinking
Reached

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whenever I read a passage that moves me, I transcribe it in my diary, hoping my fingers might learn what excellence feels like.
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But instead I am applying for a job as an elf. Even worse than applying is the very real possibility that I will not be hired, that I couldn't even find work as an elf. That's when you know you're a failure.
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Hugh consoled me, saying, Don't let it get to you. There are plenty of things you're good at. When asked for some examples, he listed vacuuming and naming stuffed animals. He says he can probably come up with a few more, but he'll need some time to think.
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The humor section is the last place an author wants to be. They put your stuff next to collections of Cathy cartoons.
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Such movies are always a danger...falling in love is something most adults have actually experienced...The theme is universal and encourages...unhealthy comparisons...why can't our lives be like that? It's a box left unopened, and its avoidance explains the continued popularity of vampire epics and martial-arts extravaganzas.
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Speed eliminates all doubt. Am I smart enough? Will people like me? Do I really look all right in this plastic jumpsuit?
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I don't really do very well when I'm sent somewhere. A lot of magazines want to send you somewhere to do something. They want you to stow away on a ship, or something like that.
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Everyone looks retarded once you set your mind to it.
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I'm the most important person in the lives of almost everyone I know and a good number of the people I've never even met.
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We were not a hugging people. In terms of emotional comfort it was our belief that no amount of physical contact could match the healing powers of a well made cocktail.
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It's safe to assume that by 2085 guns will be sold in vending machines but you won't be able to smoke anywhere in America.
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The interesting thing about gay people is that you can't really put on a wedding without them. They're the ones who make your dress, and do the flowers and the catering. They've toiled in the wedding industry all these years but were never allowed to do it themselves.
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In the beginning, I was put off by the harshness of German. Someone would order a piece of cake, and it sounded as if it were an actual order, like, Cut the cake and lie facedown in that ditch between the cobbler and the little girl.
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If you read someone else's diary, you get what you deserve.
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The Greeks had invented democracy, built the Acropolis and called it a day.
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I don't like travelling if I know I have to write about it.
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But I'm a humorist. I'm not a reporter, I never pretended to be a reporter.
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I went from having 50 listeners to 50 million listeners.
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To spend your days in the company of naked men - that was the life for me. 'Turn a bit to the left, Jean-Claude. I long to capture the playful quality of your buttocks.
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I find it ridiculous to assign a gender to an inanimate object incapable of disrobing and making an occasional fool of itself.
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