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Now, I like a church service, but this was one of those write-your-own-vows sorts of things. Neither of them had ever picked up a pen in their life, but all of a sudden they’re poets, right, like that’s all it takes — being in love.

David Sedaris

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David Sedaris
Age: 67
Born: 1956
Born: December 26
Comedian
Essayist
Humorist
Writer
Binghamton
New York
David Raymond Sedaris
Church
Picked
Write
Sorts
Ever
Poets
Right
Sudden
Things
Service
Love
Neither
Life
Poet
Like
Takes
Vows

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Comfort has its place, but it seems rude to visit another country dressed as if you’ve come to mow its lawns.
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I've never written about sex in my diary. Like if you read my diary, you wouldn't think I'm a virgin, but you would have no idea what it is that I've actually ever done.
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A history of listening to Top 40 radio had left me with a ridiculous and clichéd notion of love. I had never entertained the feeling myself but knew that it meant never having to say you're sorry. It was a many-splendored thing. Love was a rose and a hammer. Both blind and all-seeing, it made the world go round.
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Sometimes with 'The New Yorker,' they have grammar rules that just don't feel right in my mouth.
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The fake slap invariably makes contact, adding the elements of shock and betrayal to what had previously been plain old-fashioned fear.
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What can you say about the family who is suing the railroad after their drunk son was killed walking on the tracks? Trains don't normally sneak up on people. Unless they've derailed, you pretty much know where to find them.
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I always think it's a good policy to like the people who like you.
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I won't put in a load of laundry, because the machine is too loud and would drown out other, more significant noises - namely, the shuffling footsteps of the living dead.
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Given enough time, I guess anything can look good. All it has to do is survive.
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but I have no mind for business and considered staying awake to be enough of an accomplishment.
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Art isn't about following the rules. It's about breaking them.
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Say what you will about the south, but in North Carolina a hot dog is free to swing anyway it wishes.
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I don't like to read anything on the radio for the very first time, because I don't have any notion of a reaction. When I read it out loud, then I get an idea of that, and more of an idea of how to read.
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I don't like travelling if I know I have to write about it.
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A lot of people don't know what they want, you know, or they're just kind of vague about it.
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I'm the most important person in the lives of almost everyone I know and a good number of the people I've never even met.
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To spend your days in the company of naked men - that was the life for me. 'Turn a bit to the left, Jean-Claude. I long to capture the playful quality of your buttocks.
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I meet people at book signings. My record now, for signing, is ten and a half hours in one sitting.
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It was the look you get when facing a sudden and insurmountable danger: the errant truck, the shaky ladder, the crazy person who pins you to the linoleum and insists, with increasing urgency, that everything you know and love can be undone by a grape.
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Sometimes the sins you haven't committed are all you have to hold on to. If you're really desperate, you might need to grope, saying, for example, I've never killed anyone with a hammer or I've never stolen from anyone who didn't deserve it.
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