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I'd always thought that I understood this, but lately I realize that what I call understanding is basically just fantasizing.

David Sedaris

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David Sedaris
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: December 26
Comedian
Essayist
Humorist
Writer
Binghamton
New York
David Raymond Sedaris
Understood
Realize
Realizing
Call
Understanding
Thought
Fantasizing
Always
Lately
Basically

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It is funny the things that run through your mind when you're sitting in your underpants in front of a pair of strangers.
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High school taught me a valuable lesson about glasses: Don't wear them. Contacts have always seemed like too much work, so instead I just squint, figuring that if something is more than ten feet away, I'll just deal with it when I get there.
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I giggled out loud at his stupidity. If anyone knew how to make a bed, it was a faggot.
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I meet people at book signings. My record now, for signing, is ten and a half hours in one sitting.
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This left me alone to solve the coffee problem - a sort of catch-22, as in order to think straight I need caffeine, and in order to make that happen I need to think straight.
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My sister's the type who religiously watches the fear segments of her local Eyewitness News broadcasts, retaining nothing but the headline...Everything is dangerous all of the time, and if it's not yet been pulled off the shelves, then it's certainly under investigation -- so there.
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I tend to write things seven times before I show them to my editor. I write them seven times, then I take them on tour, read them like a dozen times on tour, then go back to the room and rewrite, read and rewrite... I would never show him a first draft, because then he's really going to be sick of it by the twelfth draft.
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He looked as though his life had not only passed him by but paused along the way to spit in his face.
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We can't profess love without talking through hand puppets.
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Lovers of audio books learn to live with compromise.
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When I taught, a lot of my students weren't big readers, so they would write something and I realized that they thought it belonged in a book. Like, they didn't know what the inside of a book looked like, you know what I mean?
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If you stepped out of the shower and saw a leprechaun standing at the base of your toilet, would you scream, or would you innately understand that he meant you no harm?
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It was the look you get when facing a sudden and insurmountable danger: the errant truck, the shaky ladder, the crazy person who pins you to the linoleum and insists, with increasing urgency, that everything you know and love can be undone by a grape.
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I can't seem to fathom that the things important to me are not important to other people as well, and so I come off sounding like a missionary, someone whose job it is to convert rather than listen.
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I'm the most important person in the lives of almost everyone I know and a good number of the people I've never even met.
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I like to reserve the right to write about whatever I like.
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It's unrealistic to live your life within such strict parameters.
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I'm not a reporter but the 'New Yorker' treats everyone like a reporter.
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If you read someone else's diary, you get what you deserve.
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Weird doors open. People fall into things.
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