Quote

My sister's the type who religiously watches the fear segments of her local Eyewitness News broadcasts, retaining nothing but the headline...Everything is dangerous all of the time, and if it's not yet been pulled off the shelves, then it's certainly under investigation -- so there.

David Sedaris

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David Sedaris
Age: 67
Born: 1956
Born: December 26
Comedian
Essayist
Humorist
Writer
Binghamton
New York
David Raymond Sedaris
Watches
Headlines
News
Shelves
Eyewitness
Type
Pulled
Broadcasts
Dangerous
Investigation
Eyewitnesses
Fear
Locals
Segments
Everything
Local
Religiously
Nothing
Sister
Retaining
Time
Certainly
Headline

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It make one's mouth hurt to speak with such forced merriment.
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I've never gone on Facebook and am not sure I understand it. The same goes for Twitter. I have someone sending tweets and pretending to be me, but I don't know why.
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After a few months in my parents' basement, I took an apartment near the state university, where I discovered both crystal methamphetamine and conceptual art. Either one of these things are dangerous, but in combination they have the potential to destroy entire civilizations.
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Their house had real hardcover books in it, and you often saw them lying open on the sofa, the words still warm from being read.
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The landscape is best described as 'pedestrian hostile.' It's pointless to try to take a walk, so I generally just stay in the room and think about shooting myself in the head.
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I've been keeping a diary for thirty-three years and write in it every morning. Most of it's just whining, but every so often there'll be something I can use later: a joke, a description, a quote. It's an invaluable aid when it comes to winning arguments. 'That's not what you said on February 3, 1996,' I'll say to someone.
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Everyone looks retarded once you set your mind to it.
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As bad a dresser as I am, anything beats being judged by my character.
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What can you say about the family who is suing the railroad after their drunk son was killed walking on the tracks? Trains don't normally sneak up on people. Unless they've derailed, you pretty much know where to find them.
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If I were president, I would turn the tables and allow the fetus to abort its mother.
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Besides, if I wanted to hear people speaking wall-to-wall French, all I had to do was remove my headphones and participate in what is known as ‘real life,’ a concept as uninviting as a shampoo cocktail.
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I don't think my life is more interesting than anybody else's.
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I've often lost faith in myself, I've never lost it in my family.
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It's safe to assume that by 2085 guns will be sold in vending machines but you won't be able to smoke anywhere in America.
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The drama bug strikes hardest with Jews, homosexuals and plump women who wear their hair in bangs. These are people who, for one reason or another, desperately crave attention
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When they're born outside, crows come and pluck their eyes out.
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Comfort has its place, but it seems rude to visit another country dressed as if you’ve come to mow its lawns.
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Every so often my life will feel like a story. It doesn't have to be a big thing in fact, most often, it's just the opposite.
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Given enough time, I guess anything can look good. All it has to do is survive.
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Most people, or at least most of the people that I've come into contact with, would like to be written about.
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