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but I have no mind for business and considered staying awake to be enough of an accomplishment.

David Sedaris

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David Sedaris
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: December 26
Comedian
Essayist
Humorist
Writer
Binghamton
New York
David Raymond Sedaris
Enough
Mind
Accomplishment
Lazy
Staying
Awake
Considered
Business

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As bad a dresser as I am, anything beats being judged by my character.
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When they're born outside, crows come and pluck their eyes out.
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Art isn't about following the rules. It's about breaking them.
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If you are any kind of an artist, then validation . . . can be a result, but you're going to do the work anyway.
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As a child I assumed that when I reached adulthood, I would have grown-up thoughts.
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Perhaps the little Negro girl was holding a concealed razor blade. Maybe she was one of the troublemakers out for a fresh white scalp.
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I've often lost faith in myself, I've never lost it in my family.
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If I'm stuck, I get up from my chair and I wash windows. Or... clean the bathroom. Or vacuum the attic. There's always something to be done.
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Hugh consoled me, saying, Don't let it get to you. There are plenty of things you're good at. When asked for some examples, he listed vacuuming and naming stuffed animals. He says he can probably come up with a few more, but he'll need some time to think.
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Sometimes people say, do you want a drink? And I say, oh, I'd like to, but I'm a tragic alcoholic. I always say tragic. I'm a tragic alcoholic.
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I haven't got the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective candidates just in case I should ever figure it out.
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High school taught me a valuable lesson about glasses: Don't wear them. Contacts have always seemed like too much work, so instead I just squint, figuring that if something is more than ten feet away, I'll just deal with it when I get there.
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I can't promise I'll never kill anyone again, he once said, strapping a refrigerator to his back. It's unrealistic to live your life within such strict parameters
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there's a reason regular people don't appear on TV: we're boring.
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We were not a hugging people. In terms of emotional comfort it was our belief that no amount of physical contact could match the healing powers of a well made cocktail.
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It's safe to assume that by 2085 guns will be sold in vending machines but you won't be able to smoke anywhere in America.
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We can't profess love without talking through hand puppets.
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People are often frightened of Parisians, but an American in Paris will find no harsher critic than another American.
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I went from having 50 listeners to 50 million listeners.
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It makes me wonder sometimes. Remember a couple years ago, when Mexicans went on strike? It was talked about a little bit but not that much. But some old white people, and there aren't even that many, they put bonnets on, and then they control the news.
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