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I can't seem to fathom that the things important to me are not important to other people as well, and so I come off sounding like a missionary, someone whose job it is to convert rather than listen.

David Sedaris

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David Sedaris
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: December 26
Comedian
Essayist
Humorist
Writer
Binghamton
New York
David Raymond Sedaris
Things
Rather
Like
Jobs
Fathom
People
Someone
Sounding
Seems
Convert
Wells
Missionary
Come
Whose
Well
Listen
Important
Seem

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I've never written about sex in my diary. Like if you read my diary, you wouldn't think I'm a virgin, but you would have no idea what it is that I've actually ever done.
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I've often lost faith in myself, I've never lost it in my family.
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When I look at a lot of older stuff that I've written, I think one sign of amateur humor writing is when you see people trying too hard.
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Given enough time, I guess anything can look good. All it has to do is survive.
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... [I] recall thinking that the computer would never advance much further than this. Call me naïve, but I seemed to have underestimated the universal desire to sit in a hard plastic chair and stare at a screen until your eyes cross.
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I find it ridiculous to assign a gender to an inanimate object incapable of disrobing and making an occasional fool of itself.
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My conscience is crosswired with my sweat glands, but there's a short in the system and I break out over things I didn't do, which only makes me look more suspect.
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The Greeks had invented democracy, built the Acropolis and called it a day.
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Because I've always been a fairly nervous person.
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No one writes dialect better than Flannery O'Connor. No one should even try.
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Sometimes with 'The New Yorker,' they have grammar rules that just don't feel right in my mouth.
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I giggled out loud at his stupidity. If anyone knew how to make a bed, it was a faggot.
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And when Hugh would grow progressively Gandhi on me, I'd remind him that these were pests---disease carriers who feasted upon the dead and then came indoors to dance upon our silverware.
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I see you that have a little swimming mouse
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I didn't know about the rest of the class, but when Bastille Day eventually rolled around, I planned to stay home and clean my oven.
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I can't promise I'll never kill anyone again, he once said, strapping a refrigerator to his back. It's unrealistic to live your life within such strict parameters
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You can't brace yourself for famine if you've never known hunger.
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If you read someone else's diary, you get what you deserve.
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