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All I do is lie, and that has made me immune to compliments.

David Sedaris

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David Sedaris
Age: 67
Born: 1956
Born: December 26
Comedian
Essayist
Humorist
Writer
Binghamton
New York
David Raymond Sedaris
Immune
Compliment
Lying
Made
Compliments

More quotes by David Sedaris

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I see you that have a little swimming mouse
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I just think that the people who say: 'That's not true' when someone tells a story at dinner are the people who didn't get any laughs when they told their story.
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Most movies, I forget about them while I'm watching them. I go every single day. But I've never thought about participating in any way. It's like being at home all day. It was never a goal to me.
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Besides, if I wanted to hear people speaking wall-to-wall French, all I had to do was remove my headphones and participate in what is known as ‘real life,’ a concept as uninviting as a shampoo cocktail.
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Because I've always been a fairly nervous person.
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After a few months in my parents' basement, I took an apartment near the state university, where I discovered both crystal methamphetamine and conceptual art. Either one of these things are dangerous, but in combination they have the potential to destroy entire civilizations.
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I like to reserve the right to write about whatever I like.
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But instead I am applying for a job as an elf. Even worse than applying is the very real possibility that I will not be hired, that I couldn't even find work as an elf. That's when you know you're a failure.
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The only bright spot in the entire evening was the presence of Kevin Tubby Matchwell, the eleven-year-old porker who tackled the role of Santa with a beguiling authenticity. The false beard tended to muffle his speech, but they could hear his chafing thighs all the way to the North Pole.
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I sometimes read books on my iPad.
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I don't like to read anything on the radio for the very first time, because I don't have any notion of a reaction. When I read it out loud, then I get an idea of that, and more of an idea of how to read.
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It is funny the things that run through your mind when you're sitting in your underpants in front of a pair of strangers.
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I meet people at book signings. My record now, for signing, is ten and a half hours in one sitting.
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I giggled out loud at his stupidity. If anyone knew how to make a bed, it was a faggot.
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Maybe one day, I would write a story about arguing in public, and those would come in handy in some way.
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A week after my drugs ran out, I left my bed to perform at the college, deciding at the last minute to skip both the doughnut toss and the march of the headless plush toys. Instead, I just heated up a skillet of plastic soldiers, poured a milkshake over my head and called it a night.
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Every so often my life will feel like a story. It doesn't have to be a big thing in fact, most often, it's just the opposite.
David Sedaris
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The Greeks had invented democracy, built the Acropolis and called it a day.
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The humor section is the last place an author wants to be. They put your stuff next to collections of Cathy cartoons.
David Sedaris
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It make one's mouth hurt to speak with such forced merriment.
David Sedaris