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Snowball just leads elves on, elves and Santas. He is playing a dangerous game.

David Sedaris

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David Sedaris
Age: 67
Born: 1956
Born: December 26
Comedian
Essayist
Humorist
Writer
Binghamton
New York
David Raymond Sedaris
Leads
Playing
Dangerous
Game
Games
Snowball
Elves
Santa

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I've never written about sex in my diary. Like if you read my diary, you wouldn't think I'm a virgin, but you would have no idea what it is that I've actually ever done.
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I meet people at book signings. My record now, for signing, is ten and a half hours in one sitting.
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The drama bug strikes hardest with Jews, homosexuals and plump women who wear their hair in bangs. These are people who, for one reason or another, desperately crave attention
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It didn't seem fair to me that Jon Stewart's rally didn't get the same kind of attention that Glenn Beck's did. Why was Beck's seen as checking the thermometer of the country, and Jon Stewart just dismissed as a satirist?
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But I'm a humorist. I'm not a reporter, I never pretended to be a reporter.
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I can't seem to fathom that the things important to me are not important to other people as well, and so I come off sounding like a missionary, someone whose job it is to convert rather than listen.
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At first, writing for The New Yorker was very scary to me. I couldn't imagine anything that I would write in that typeface.
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A zoo is a good place to make a spectacle of yourself, as the people around you have creepier, more photogenic things to look at.
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He looked as though his life had not only passed him by but paused along the way to spit in his face.
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Sometimes with 'The New Yorker,' they have grammar rules that just don't feel right in my mouth.
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Comfort has its place, but it seems rude to visit another country dressed as if you’ve come to mow its lawns.
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If you read someone else's diary, you get what you deserve.
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If I'm stuck, I get up from my chair and I wash windows. Or... clean the bathroom. Or vacuum the attic. There's always something to be done.
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Their house had real hardcover books in it, and you often saw them lying open on the sofa, the words still warm from being read.
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But instead I am applying for a job as an elf. Even worse than applying is the very real possibility that I will not be hired, that I couldn't even find work as an elf. That's when you know you're a failure.
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Everyone looks retarded once you set your mind to it.
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The only bright spot in the entire evening was the presence of Kevin Tubby Matchwell, the eleven-year-old porker who tackled the role of Santa with a beguiling authenticity. The false beard tended to muffle his speech, but they could hear his chafing thighs all the way to the North Pole.
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As bad a dresser as I am, anything beats being judged by my character.
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In Japanese and Italian, the response to [How are you?] is I'm fine, and you? In German it's answered with a sigh and a slight pause, followed by Not so good.
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Given enough time, I guess anything can look good. All it has to do is survive.
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