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I'm the most important person in the lives of almost everyone I know and a good number of the people I've never even met.

David Sedaris

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David Sedaris
Age: 67
Born: 1956
Born: December 26
Comedian
Essayist
Humorist
Writer
Binghamton
New York
David Raymond Sedaris
People
Everyone
Lives
Persons
Person
Important
Mets
Even
Number
Good
Numbers
Never
Almost

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When they're born outside, crows come and pluck their eyes out.
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We were not a hugging people. In terms of emotional comfort it was our belief that no amount of physical contact could match the healing powers of a well made cocktail.
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My conscience is crosswired with my sweat glands, but there's a short in the system and I break out over things I didn't do, which only makes me look more suspect.
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The good thing about being gay, though, I always believed, is that you didn't make anyone go to a wedding. Nobody wants to go to a wedding. Nobody. It kind of bothers me now that you have to go to gay weddings, too. I don't care. It's still a wedding. And I would give anybody double gifts if they would elope.
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Now I don't drink, and I get up in the morning and I write in my diary, and I can write in my diary for hours if I feel like it. And I'm still sober so I can write the stories that I'm working on, and I can sit at the desk as long as I need to. So that changed a lot, I think.
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I didn't know about the rest of the class, but when Bastille Day eventually rolled around, I planned to stay home and clean my oven.
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I like to reserve the right to write about whatever I like.
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I sometimes read books on my iPad.
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And when Hugh would grow progressively Gandhi on me, I'd remind him that these were pests---disease carriers who feasted upon the dead and then came indoors to dance upon our silverware.
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Most people, or at least most of the people that I've come into contact with, would like to be written about.
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The drama bug strikes hardest with Jews, homosexuals and plump women who wear their hair in bangs. These are people who, for one reason or another, desperately crave attention
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It is funny the things that run through your mind when you're sitting in your underpants in front of a pair of strangers.
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I won't put in a load of laundry, because the machine is too loud and would drown out other, more significant noises - namely, the shuffling footsteps of the living dead.
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I started writing when I was twenty, and my first book came out seventeen years later.
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Sometimes with 'The New Yorker,' they have grammar rules that just don't feel right in my mouth.
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God was someone I wound up turning over and over in my mind each night... Was He punishing me with this meal or was He rewarding me? Did He actively watch me or take me for granted like a fish you don't notice until it's floating on the surface of the tank?
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All I do is lie, and that has made me immune to compliments.
David Sedaris
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The things I've bought from strangers in the dark would curl your hair.
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A lot of people don't know what they want, you know, or they're just kind of vague about it.
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Snowball just leads elves on, elves and Santas. He is playing a dangerous game.
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