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I'm the most important person in the lives of almost everyone I know and a good number of the people I've never even met.

David Sedaris

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David Sedaris
Age: 67
Born: 1956
Born: December 26
Comedian
Essayist
Humorist
Writer
Binghamton
New York
David Raymond Sedaris
Even
Number
Good
Numbers
Never
Almost
People
Everyone
Lives
Persons
Person
Important
Mets

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Speed eliminates all doubt. Am I smart enough? Will people like me? Do I really look all right in this plastic jumpsuit?
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Everyone looks retarded once you set your mind to it.
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In the beginning, I was put off by the harshness of German. Someone would order a piece of cake, and it sounded as if it were an actual order, like, Cut the cake and lie facedown in that ditch between the cobbler and the little girl.
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I don't really do very well when I'm sent somewhere. A lot of magazines want to send you somewhere to do something. They want you to stow away on a ship, or something like that.
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Each one of us is left to choose our own quality of life and take pleasure where we find it with the understanding that, like Mom used to say, sooner or later something's gonna get you.
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If you stepped out of the shower and saw a leprechaun standing at the base of your toilet, would you scream, or would you innately understand that he meant you no harm?
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All of a sudden, when you're exposed to a large audience, they think you just started writing that day, but I started years before. I look back at things I wrote then and I'm so embarrassed - the writing seems so blocky and choppy to me and I wouldn't have wanted success any sooner because the writing was even worse.
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Given enough time, I guess anything can look good. All it has to do is survive.
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As bad a dresser as I am, anything beats being judged by my character.
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If I were president, I would turn the tables and allow the fetus to abort its mother.
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I felt uncomfortable calling myself a writer until I started with 'The New Yorker,' and then I was like, 'Okay, now you can call yourself that.
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Sometimes with 'The New Yorker,' they have grammar rules that just don't feel right in my mouth.
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My sister's the type who religiously watches the fear segments of her local Eyewitness News broadcasts, retaining nothing but the headline...Everything is dangerous all of the time, and if it's not yet been pulled off the shelves, then it's certainly under investigation -- so there.
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I gave my mother a matching set [of mugs] for Christmas, and she accepted them as graciously as possible, announcing that they would make the perfect pet bowls. The mugs were set on the kitchen floor and remained there until the cat chipped a tooth and went on a hunger strike.
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The rabbit of Easter. He bring of the chocolate.
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There are lots of things that happen to me that I don't write about.
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Also, I used to think that one day I might get someone to iron my shirts, but the truth is I really like doing them myself.
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Paul Rudnick is a champion of truth (and love and great wicked humor) whom we ignore at our peril.
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A lot of people don't know what they want, you know, or they're just kind of vague about it.
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I sometimes read books on my iPad.
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