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Speed eliminates all doubt. Am I smart enough? Will people like me? Do I really look all right in this plastic jumpsuit?

David Sedaris

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David Sedaris
Age: 67
Born: 1956
Born: December 26
Comedian
Essayist
Humorist
Writer
Binghamton
New York
David Raymond Sedaris
Really
Plastic
Like
Speed
People
Smart
Doubt
Look
Looks
Enough
Right
Eliminates

More quotes by David Sedaris

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Most movies, I forget about them while I'm watching them. I go every single day. But I've never thought about participating in any way. It's like being at home all day. It was never a goal to me.
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Their house had real hardcover books in it, and you often saw them lying open on the sofa, the words still warm from being read.
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In the beginning, I was put off by the harshness of German. Someone would order a piece of cake, and it sounded as if it were an actual order, like, Cut the cake and lie facedown in that ditch between the cobbler and the little girl.
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I hated leaving a hole in the smoking world, and so I recruited someone to take my place. People have given me a lot of grief, but I'm pretty sure that after high school, this girl would have started anyway, especially if she chose the army over community college.
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Sometimes with 'The New Yorker,' they have grammar rules that just don't feel right in my mouth.
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Also, I used to think that one day I might get someone to iron my shirts, but the truth is I really like doing them myself.
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Oh, for Christ's sake,' I hear. 'Can we please just try to have a good time?' This is like ordering someone to find you attractive, and it doesn't work. I've tried it.
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Every so often my life will feel like a story. It doesn't have to be a big thing in fact, most often, it's just the opposite.
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I always used to reach for the cigarette when the phone rang, and I figured nobody would ever call me in Tokyo. The time difference is so profound it's, like, already September in Tokyo, and I figured nobody would be able to work it out.
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My family isn't really all that different from anyone else's. Well, maybe they're a bit more entertaining.
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The fake slap invariably makes contact, adding the elements of shock and betrayal to what had previously been plain old-fashioned fear.
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I'm the most important person in the lives of almost everyone I know and a good number of the people I've never even met.
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I'm not afraid to write about madness. I always figure that whatever most embarrasses you is something that everyone can relate to, really...because we're just not that different. So if you think, 'Oh my god, this is so embarrassing. I can't possibly talk about that,' and you write about it, the audience is gonna be like, 'that happened to me!
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When I look at a lot of older stuff that I've written, I think one sign of amateur humor writing is when you see people trying too hard.
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I like to reserve the right to write about whatever I like.
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The thought of killing myself had slowed me down to five miles per hour. The thought of killing someone else stopped me completely.
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The humor section is the last place an author wants to be. They put your stuff next to collections of Cathy cartoons.
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If you stepped out of the shower and saw a leprechaun standing at the base of your toilet, would you scream, or would you innately understand that he meant you no harm?
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To spend your days in the company of naked men - that was the life for me. 'Turn a bit to the left, Jean-Claude. I long to capture the playful quality of your buttocks.
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You can't brace yourself for famine if you've never known hunger.
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