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Everyone looks retarded once you set your mind to it.

David Sedaris

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David Sedaris
Age: 67
Born: 1956
Born: December 26
Comedian
Essayist
Humorist
Writer
Binghamton
New York
David Raymond Sedaris
Retarded
Humorous
Everyone
Looks
Mind

More quotes by David Sedaris

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Now I don't drink, and I get up in the morning and I write in my diary, and I can write in my diary for hours if I feel like it. And I'm still sober so I can write the stories that I'm working on, and I can sit at the desk as long as I need to. So that changed a lot, I think.
David Sedaris
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Most people, or at least most of the people that I've come into contact with, would like to be written about.
David Sedaris
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As bad a dresser as I am, anything beats being judged by my character.
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I don't worry about being exposed. When I'm writing about myself I think about myself as a character. There is a ton of stuff going on in my life that I don't write about. If I need to write that stuff down, I write about myself in my diary.
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I went from having 50 listeners to 50 million listeners.
David Sedaris
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The Greeks had invented democracy, built the Acropolis and called it a day.
David Sedaris
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Because I've always been a fairly nervous person.
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I always used to reach for the cigarette when the phone rang, and I figured nobody would ever call me in Tokyo. The time difference is so profound it's, like, already September in Tokyo, and I figured nobody would be able to work it out.
David Sedaris
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I don't think my life is more interesting than anybody else's.
David Sedaris
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I see you that have a little swimming mouse
David Sedaris
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I like to reserve the right to write about whatever I like.
David Sedaris
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It's unrealistic to live your life within such strict parameters.
David Sedaris
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I just think that the people who say: 'That's not true' when someone tells a story at dinner are the people who didn't get any laughs when they told their story.
David Sedaris
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I didn't know about the rest of the class, but when Bastille Day eventually rolled around, I planned to stay home and clean my oven.
David Sedaris
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I've never written about sex in my diary. Like if you read my diary, you wouldn't think I'm a virgin, but you would have no idea what it is that I've actually ever done.
David Sedaris
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When I look at a lot of older stuff that I've written, I think one sign of amateur humor writing is when you see people trying too hard.
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I'd always thought that I understood this, but lately I realize that what I call understanding is basically just fantasizing.
David Sedaris
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I needed to temper (my dad's) enthusiasm a bit (about attending Princeton), and so I announced that I would be majoring in patricide...My mom was actually jealous.
David Sedaris
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When they're born outside, crows come and pluck their eyes out.
David Sedaris
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My conscience is crosswired with my sweat glands, but there's a short in the system and I break out over things I didn't do, which only makes me look more suspect.
David Sedaris