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Everyone looks retarded once you set your mind to it.

David Sedaris

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David Sedaris
Age: 67
Born: 1956
Born: December 26
Comedian
Essayist
Humorist
Writer
Binghamton
New York
David Raymond Sedaris
Looks
Mind
Retarded
Humorous
Everyone

More quotes by David Sedaris

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What can you say about the family who is suing the railroad after their drunk son was killed walking on the tracks? Trains don't normally sneak up on people. Unless they've derailed, you pretty much know where to find them.
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When I look at a lot of older stuff that I've written, I think one sign of amateur humor writing is when you see people trying too hard.
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Paul Rudnick is a champion of truth (and love and great wicked humor) whom we ignore at our peril.
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Because I've always been a fairly nervous person.
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There are certain people in my life who didn't care to be in my book. And so I cut them out. And I had broken up with somebody. And I was, you know, really upset and depressed. And so that was, you know, reasons to keep going.
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I don't worry about being exposed. When I'm writing about myself I think about myself as a character. There is a ton of stuff going on in my life that I don't write about. If I need to write that stuff down, I write about myself in my diary.
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I went from having 50 listeners to 50 million listeners.
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When they're born outside, crows come and pluck their eyes out.
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Sometimes the sins you haven't committed are all you have to hold on to. If you're really desperate, you might need to grope, saying, for example, I've never killed anyone with a hammer or I've never stolen from anyone who didn't deserve it.
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I've never made up events, but I've always been a big exaggerator. It's written on my humorist license that I'm allowed to do that.
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If you stepped out of the shower and saw a leprechaun standing at the base of your toilet, would you scream, or would you innately understand that he meant you no harm?
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It's hard to love a place that's outlawed smoking but finds it perfectly acceptable to serve raw fish in a bath of chocolate.
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The humor section is the last place an author wants to be. They put your stuff next to collections of Cathy cartoons.
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People are often frightened of Parisians, but an American in Paris will find no harsher critic than another American.
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Most movies, I forget about them while I'm watching them. I go every single day. But I've never thought about participating in any way. It's like being at home all day. It was never a goal to me.
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I cry all the time when I watch 'Glee' because I don't know if it's satire or melodrama and that makes me feel like the writing is aware of itself, and that makes it OK to cry.
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I don't like travelling if I know I have to write about it.
David Sedaris
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At first, writing for The New Yorker was very scary to me. I couldn't imagine anything that I would write in that typeface.
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The thought of killing myself had slowed me down to five miles per hour. The thought of killing someone else stopped me completely.
David Sedaris
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Do I exaggerate? Boy, do I, and I'd do it more if I could get away with it.
David Sedaris