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Everyone looks retarded once you set your mind to it.

David Sedaris

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David Sedaris
Age: 67
Born: 1956
Born: December 26
Comedian
Essayist
Humorist
Writer
Binghamton
New York
David Raymond Sedaris
Mind
Retarded
Humorous
Everyone
Looks

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Sometimes with 'The New Yorker,' they have grammar rules that just don't feel right in my mouth.
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It's hard to love a place that's outlawed smoking but finds it perfectly acceptable to serve raw fish in a bath of chocolate.
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In my dream world gay people in America would get the right to marry, and not a one of them would use that right.
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As a child I assumed that when I reached adulthood, I would have grown-up thoughts.
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The rabbit of Easter. He bring of the chocolate.
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In the beginning, I was put off by the harshness of German. Someone would order a piece of cake, and it sounded as if it were an actual order, like, Cut the cake and lie facedown in that ditch between the cobbler and the little girl.
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Weird doors open. People fall into things.
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High school taught me a valuable lesson about glasses: Don't wear them. Contacts have always seemed like too much work, so instead I just squint, figuring that if something is more than ten feet away, I'll just deal with it when I get there.
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If you stepped out of the shower and saw a leprechaun standing at the base of your toilet, would you scream, or would you innately understand that he meant you no harm?
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In Japanese and Italian, the response to [How are you?] is I'm fine, and you? In German it's answered with a sigh and a slight pause, followed by Not so good.
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I'd always thought that I understood this, but lately I realize that what I call understanding is basically just fantasizing.
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It is funny the things that run through your mind when you're sitting in your underpants in front of a pair of strangers.
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I always think it's a good policy to like the people who like you.
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Being locked up is one thing, but to have no concept of confinement, to be ignorant of its terms and never understand that struggle is useless - that's what hell must be like.
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My sister's the type who religiously watches the fear segments of her local Eyewitness News broadcasts, retaining nothing but the headline...Everything is dangerous all of the time, and if it's not yet been pulled off the shelves, then it's certainly under investigation -- so there.
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All I do is lie, and that has made me immune to compliments.
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There are lots of things that happen to me that I don't write about.
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Hugh consoled me, saying, Don't let it get to you. There are plenty of things you're good at. When asked for some examples, he listed vacuuming and naming stuffed animals. He says he can probably come up with a few more, but he'll need some time to think.
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Maybe one day, I would write a story about arguing in public, and those would come in handy in some way.
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But I'm a humorist. I'm not a reporter, I never pretended to be a reporter.
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