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I'm not a reporter but the 'New Yorker' treats everyone like a reporter.
David Sedaris
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David Sedaris
Age: 67
Born: 1956
Born: December 26
Comedian
Essayist
Humorist
Writer
Binghamton
New York
David Raymond Sedaris
Yorker
Reporter
Reporters
Treats
Everyone
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More quotes by David Sedaris
God was someone I wound up turning over and over in my mind each night... Was He punishing me with this meal or was He rewarding me? Did He actively watch me or take me for granted like a fish you don't notice until it's floating on the surface of the tank?
David Sedaris
It's unrealistic to live your life within such strict parameters.
David Sedaris
I don't like travelling if I know I have to write about it.
David Sedaris
It was the look you get when facing a sudden and insurmountable danger: the errant truck, the shaky ladder, the crazy person who pins you to the linoleum and insists, with increasing urgency, that everything you know and love can be undone by a grape.
David Sedaris
A zoo is a good place to make a spectacle of yourself, as the people around you have creepier, more photogenic things to look at.
David Sedaris
But instead I am applying for a job as an elf. Even worse than applying is the very real possibility that I will not be hired, that I couldn't even find work as an elf. That's when you know you're a failure.
David Sedaris
It makes me wonder sometimes. Remember a couple years ago, when Mexicans went on strike? It was talked about a little bit but not that much. But some old white people, and there aren't even that many, they put bonnets on, and then they control the news.
David Sedaris
I just think that the people who say: 'That's not true' when someone tells a story at dinner are the people who didn't get any laughs when they told their story.
David Sedaris
People are often frightened of Parisians, but an American in Paris will find no harsher critic than another American.
David Sedaris
You can't brace yourself for famine if you've never known hunger.
David Sedaris
The combination of ammonia and chloride can be lethal but I've discovered it can work miracles as long as you keep telling yourself, I want to love, I want to live.
David Sedaris
The Greeks had invented democracy, built the Acropolis and called it a day.
David Sedaris
If I were president, I would turn the tables and allow the fetus to abort its mother.
David Sedaris
whenever I read a passage that moves me, I transcribe it in my diary, hoping my fingers might learn what excellence feels like.
David Sedaris
The only bright spot in the entire evening was the presence of Kevin Tubby Matchwell, the eleven-year-old porker who tackled the role of Santa with a beguiling authenticity. The false beard tended to muffle his speech, but they could hear his chafing thighs all the way to the North Pole.
David Sedaris
My sister's the type who religiously watches the fear segments of her local Eyewitness News broadcasts, retaining nothing but the headline...Everything is dangerous all of the time, and if it's not yet been pulled off the shelves, then it's certainly under investigation -- so there.
David Sedaris
Snowball just leads elves on, elves and Santas. He is playing a dangerous game.
David Sedaris
It's safe to assume that by 2085 guns will be sold in vending machines but you won't be able to smoke anywhere in America.
David Sedaris
If you read someone else's diary, you get what you deserve.
David Sedaris
I started writing when I was twenty, and my first book came out seventeen years later.
David Sedaris