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Also, I used to think that one day I might get someone to iron my shirts, but the truth is I really like doing them myself.

David Sedaris

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David Sedaris
Age: 67
Born: 1956
Born: December 26
Comedian
Essayist
Humorist
Writer
Binghamton
New York
David Raymond Sedaris
Really
Think
Shirts
Thinking
Iron
Like
Someone
Truth
Also
Used
Might

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A zoo is a good place to make a spectacle of yourself, as the people around you have creepier, more photogenic things to look at.
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I tend to write things seven times before I show them to my editor. I write them seven times, then I take them on tour, read them like a dozen times on tour, then go back to the room and rewrite, read and rewrite... I would never show him a first draft, because then he's really going to be sick of it by the twelfth draft.
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I can't seem to fathom that the things important to me are not important to other people as well, and so I come off sounding like a missionary, someone whose job it is to convert rather than listen.
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I've never made up events, but I've always been a big exaggerator. It's written on my humorist license that I'm allowed to do that.
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All of a sudden, when you're exposed to a large audience, they think you just started writing that day, but I started years before. I look back at things I wrote then and I'm so embarrassed - the writing seems so blocky and choppy to me and I wouldn't have wanted success any sooner because the writing was even worse.
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It's safe to assume that by 2085 guns will be sold in vending machines but you won't be able to smoke anywhere in America.
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If I were president, I would turn the tables and allow the fetus to abort its mother.
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I don't worry about being exposed. When I'm writing about myself I think about myself as a character. There is a ton of stuff going on in my life that I don't write about. If I need to write that stuff down, I write about myself in my diary.
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A lot of people don't know what they want, you know, or they're just kind of vague about it.
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When they're born outside, crows come and pluck their eyes out.
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I've maintained old friendships, like with people I knew in the nineteen-seventies, but have lost the knack for meeting new people. This has a lot to do with my writing schedule. I don't want to be disturbed, and the willingness to be disturbed is, I think, part of being a good friend.
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A week after my drugs ran out, I left my bed to perform at the college, deciding at the last minute to skip both the doughnut toss and the march of the headless plush toys. Instead, I just heated up a skillet of plastic soldiers, poured a milkshake over my head and called it a night.
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I giggled out loud at his stupidity. If anyone knew how to make a bed, it was a faggot.
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there's a reason regular people don't appear on TV: we're boring.
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After a few months in my parents' basement, I took an apartment near the state university, where I discovered both crystal methamphetamine and conceptual art. Either one of these things are dangerous, but in combination they have the potential to destroy entire civilizations.
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It was my friend Frank, a writer in San Francisco, who finally set me straight. When asked about my new look he put down his fork and stared at me for a few moments. A bow tie announces to the world you can no longer get an erection.
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But I'm a humorist. I'm not a reporter, I never pretended to be a reporter.
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The thought of killing myself had slowed me down to five miles per hour. The thought of killing someone else stopped me completely.
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I'm not a reporter but the 'New Yorker' treats everyone like a reporter.
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Maybe one day, I would write a story about arguing in public, and those would come in handy in some way.
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