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My family isn't really all that different from anyone else's. Well, maybe they're a bit more entertaining.

David Sedaris

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David Sedaris
Age: 67
Born: 1956
Born: December 26
Comedian
Essayist
Humorist
Writer
Binghamton
New York
David Raymond Sedaris
Well
Different
Entertaining
Really
Bits
Maybe
Anyone
Family
Else
Wells

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Most movies, I forget about them while I'm watching them. I go every single day. But I've never thought about participating in any way. It's like being at home all day. It was never a goal to me.
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I felt uncomfortable calling myself a writer until I started with 'The New Yorker,' and then I was like, 'Okay, now you can call yourself that.
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In the beginning, I was put off by the harshness of German. Someone would order a piece of cake, and it sounded as if it were an actual order, like, Cut the cake and lie facedown in that ditch between the cobbler and the little girl.
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We can't profess love without talking through hand puppets.
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Maybe one day, I would write a story about arguing in public, and those would come in handy in some way.
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But instead I am applying for a job as an elf. Even worse than applying is the very real possibility that I will not be hired, that I couldn't even find work as an elf. That's when you know you're a failure.
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The landscape is best described as 'pedestrian hostile.' It's pointless to try to take a walk, so I generally just stay in the room and think about shooting myself in the head.
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Hugh consoled me, saying, Don't let it get to you. There are plenty of things you're good at. When asked for some examples, he listed vacuuming and naming stuffed animals. He says he can probably come up with a few more, but he'll need some time to think.
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A lot of people don't know what they want, you know, or they're just kind of vague about it.
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Given enough time, I guess anything can look good. All it has to do is survive.
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The fake slap invariably makes contact, adding the elements of shock and betrayal to what had previously been plain old-fashioned fear.
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He looked as though his life had not only passed him by but paused along the way to spit in his face.
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there's a reason regular people don't appear on TV: we're boring.
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I sometimes read books on my iPad.
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I started writing when I was twenty, and my first book came out seventeen years later.
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I went from having 50 listeners to 50 million listeners.
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I find it ridiculous to assign a gender to an inanimate object incapable of disrobing and making an occasional fool of itself.
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The good thing about being gay, though, I always believed, is that you didn't make anyone go to a wedding. Nobody wants to go to a wedding. Nobody. It kind of bothers me now that you have to go to gay weddings, too. I don't care. It's still a wedding. And I would give anybody double gifts if they would elope.
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A week after my drugs ran out, I left my bed to perform at the college, deciding at the last minute to skip both the doughnut toss and the march of the headless plush toys. Instead, I just heated up a skillet of plastic soldiers, poured a milkshake over my head and called it a night.
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I needed to temper (my dad's) enthusiasm a bit (about attending Princeton), and so I announced that I would be majoring in patricide...My mom was actually jealous.
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