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I'm not a professional comedian. Nobody comes to my comedy shows. That's just a little hobby.

David Rees

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David Rees
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More quotes by David Rees

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The thing I hear about a lot is when people over-sharpen their pencil with a single-blade pocket-sharpener and then when they put the pencil to the page, their tip breaks and pencil points always break irregularly. It always gets all jagged and you have to refresh the point. That's a common complaint.
David Rees
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I had good relationships with stores. And I was like, All right, I'll self-publish it. But I'm only going to do 1,000.
David Rees
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I liked sharpening pencils and I was like, Oh, I wonder if I could get paid to do it. And I figured it out and I did it.
David Rees
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The way you make money is to do something you don't like to do. And that's how you know you're a virtuous person.
David Rees
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I don't think I would've ever dared dreaming of becoming a professional cartoonist. I wouldn't set myself up for that disappointment.
David Rees
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I talked to people in the pencil industry and I talked to people as I was sharpening their pencils about the frustrations they have with pencils, so I really did do my research and I do know more about pencils than most people.
David Rees
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I don't like when performers rag on their ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend in absentia. If they're not there, it just feels rude... I'm never going to say anything personal about myself on stage. That's my new goal.
David Rees
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Talking about my personal life onstage, I've realized I'm not one of those comics who can do that. I can allude to it but I don't want to be a confessional performer.
David Rees
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I didn't dare to dream of making money. But now of course, I've made many thousands of dollars sharpening pencils.
David Rees
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I just wanted a really simple, dramatic way so that fans, people who were reading my comic, would be like, This is something different. Just to flag it, almost.
David Rees
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I'd always been really intimidated by prose writing.
David Rees
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The time that I would spend revisiting my old Get Your War On strips is more profitably spent Googling myself and reading comments about how people hate my pencil-sharpening business.
David Rees
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The type of pop culture that is honestly very moving and powerful to me is [when artists] do their homework. They make it real.
David Rees
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I have a really analytical approach to art. And the whole idea that you can't analyze what makes a joke funny...I do not agree with that at all.
David Rees
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Just because something makes you smile or laugh ... doesn't mean it's a joke.
David Rees
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Nobody could be a professional cartoonist, because you have to do something you don't like to do in order to be a responsible adult and pay the rent.
David Rees
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I've always liked Richard Pryor. I've always responded to rhythmic profanity.
David Rees
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I hardly ever use pencils. I'm left-handed and it's really messy if you're left-handed because of the graphite smudging. I use them more now than I used to because there's, like, 15,000 pencils all over my house.
David Rees
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I would make a comic for Rolling Stone every two weeks, because they're biweekly. And then I would make weekly comics for my weekly papers. It was on two parallel tracks. And then they all got collected in a book.
David Rees
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I was just worried that someone was gonna think that I had been commissioned by Jamba Juice to make cartoons about Jamba Juice. And the big thing for me was - if I'm not getting paid to sell out, I don't want people to think that I'm selling out.
David Rees