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Last Halloween I ran out of candy and I had to give the kids nicotine gum.

David Letterman

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David Letterman
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: April 12
Actor
Comedian
Journalist
Talk Show Host
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Weather Presenter
Writer
Indianapolis
Indiana
David Michael Letterman
Earl Hofert
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Nicotine
Giving
Gum
Halloween
Candy
Ran
Lasts

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Since 1980, there have been 91 breaches of security at the White House. Well, 92 if you count George Bush.
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There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting.
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The world's oldest woman passed away at 116. They keep dying. I think that title may be cursed.
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Nothing, believe me, nothing is more satisfying to me personally than getting a great idea and then beatin' it to death.
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Did you hear what the Republicans have said about Hillary Clinton? They say she's too angry to be president. Hillary Clinton, Senator Hillary Clinton, too angry to be president. When she heard this, Hillary said, 'Oh yeah? I'll rip your throats out, you bastards.'
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Political pundits are saying President George W. Bush has made gains in two key states: dazed and confused.
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When you think about flying, it's nuts really. Here you are at about 40,000 feet, screaming along at 700 miles an hour and you're sitting there drinking Diet Pepsi and eating peanuts. It just doesn't make any sense.
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I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.
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John Kerry went duck hunting and he's doing that to fulfill his campaign pledge to hunt down the ducks and kill them wherever they are! Kerry did pretty well he came back with four ducks and three Purple Hearts.
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Child labor, not a problem. Censorship, not a problem. Torture, not a problem. Chewing gum in China - oh, my God! You better not be over here chewing gum.
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Newt Gingrich wants to repeal child labor laws. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the man that we need to lead us into the 18th century.
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Texas Senator Ted Cruz announced he is running for president. Ted Cruz was born in Canada, his father fled to the United States from Cuba, and yet Ted Cruz is against immigration. Isn't that odd?
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They found a scrapbook with photos of Osama bin Laden from the '90s, and they're studying each and every photo very, very closely. My favorite shot of Osama bin Laden was right between the eyes.
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Stocks are at an all-time high today. I don't have any money in the stock market. I don't have the stomach for the ups and downs. So about 20 years ago I put all of my money and liquid assets into videotape rewind machines.
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You've got to be careful smoking weed. It causes memory loss. And also, it causes memory loss.
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You probably heard about the big prisoner swap with Cuba. A man who has been incarcerated in Havana for five years is back home in the United States. And we sent them some prisoners. The deal still has to be approved by President Obama and Bud Selig.
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The post office is raising the price of stamps again. I heard that and said to myself, 'If only there was an inexpensive electronic way of communicating.'
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A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag.
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It's tax season. When I woke this morning and realized it was tax season, I said, My God, didn't we just pay taxes last year?
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