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I'm an environmentalist. Most of my jokes are recycled.
David Letterman
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David Letterman
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: April 12
Actor
Comedian
Journalist
Talk Show Host
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Weather Presenter
Writer
Indianapolis
Indiana
David Michael Letterman
Earl Hofert
Recycled
Environmentalist
Jokes
More quotes by David Letterman
I wish the iPhone people would design one that's black and has two pieces, and it plugs into the wall and you can pick one piece up and talk into it. I tell you, the whole time I had one of those old-fashioned plug-in phones, not once did I misplace it.
David Letterman
Here's a little known fact - Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno.
David Letterman
Rick Perry, started out like a ball of fire from Texas and then he started to drop and now he's retooling. He's adding advisers to his campaign team. This guy had advisers? Really?
David Letterman
Sarah Palin, part-time Governor of Alaska, is angry because Michele Obama is encouraging kids to eat healthy. Sarah Palin believes the government shouldn't tell us what to do. Sarah Palin believes she should tell us what to do.
David Letterman
Jeb Bush has to distance himself from what they call the Bush brand. So he keeps saying, 'I am my own man.' But when Governor Chris Christie is out on the campaign trail, he's always saying, 'I'm my own man, plus another guy.'
David Letterman
Iraqi's minister of information did not show up for his press conference today. However, he claims he was there and he said it went very well.
David Letterman
Paul Ryan announced that after a lot of thought, and talking it over with family and friends, that he is not going to run for president in 2016. I'm telling you, this announcement sent shock waves through no one.
David Letterman
The best part about holiday parties is the alcohol. You have a couple of drinks and you tell your coworkers and your superiors what you really think about them. And then the fun begins.
David Letterman
Asked by reporters about his upcoming marriage to a forty-two-year-old woman, director Roman Polanski told reporters, `The way I look at it, she's the equivalent of three fourteen-year-olds.'
David Letterman
I got a call from my mom today, she says, 'Well, David, I see you didn't get the 'Tonight Show' again.'
David Letterman
Hillary Clinton, our junior senator from New York, announced that she has no intentions of ever, ever running for office of the President of the United States. Her husband, Bill Clinton, is bitterly disappointed. He is crushed. There go his dreams of becoming a two-impeachment family.
David Letterman
Mitt Romney has asked Todd Akin to step down. That's too bad. Todd Akin was the guy to lead the Republican Party into the 16th century.
David Letterman
I was talking to a friend about Santorum. He said, 'For all my years in the State Department, I know one thing. Terrorists, what they fear most is a guy in a sweater vest.'
David Letterman
Here in New York City you can now walk around smoking weed and all they will do if they see you is write you a ticket. Unfortunately, the ticket will be to a Jets game.
David Letterman
Hillary went to a Chipotle in a tortilla pantsuit.
David Letterman
How many people saw Arnold's speech last night? I haven't seen that many Kennedys in one place since their last trial.
David Letterman
I think the one thing I would point to as a primary reason, basically, is that I was a gigantic ass, ... It's the first time I got dumped in my life.
David Letterman
Today, the L.A. Times accused Arnold Schwarzenegger of groping six women. I'm telling ya, this guy is presidential material.
David Letterman
The Pope also said that while he's in town he would like to go see 'The Book of Mormon.'
David Letterman
They're saying President Obama doesn't have any friends. The problem is that he can't get Congress to approve one.
David Letterman
