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I'm an environmentalist. Most of my jokes are recycled.

David Letterman

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David Letterman
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: April 12
Actor
Comedian
Journalist
Talk Show Host
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Weather Presenter
Writer
Indianapolis
Indiana
David Michael Letterman
Earl Hofert
Recycled
Environmentalist
Jokes

More quotes by David Letterman

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In the last 48 hours King Abdullah from Saudi Arabia passed away. I have a moral dilemma. The king passed away three or four days ago. Is it too soon to hit on Queen Latifah?
David Letterman
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George Clooney is on the program tonight. Next week at this time I will be in a hardware store watching them mix paint.
David Letterman
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Because Utah is largely Mormon country, the firing squad's a little different. You're blindfolded but no cigarette.
David Letterman
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Happy birthday to evil North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un. He gathered family and friends together and celebrated by executing a few close friends.
David Letterman
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There's already been some trouble for Osama bin Laden in the afterlife. There was a mix up and he was greeted by 72 vegans.
David Letterman
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The 4th of July combines the two things Americans love most in one day: alcohol and explosives.
David Letterman
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Hillary Clinton is now in Iowa. She's spending every waking minute of her day meeting ordinary people, and it's to prepare her for a job in which she will never again meet an ordinary person.
David Letterman
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Sarah Palin had a big op-ed piece in the Wall Street Journal, and she said she's against death panels. And I thought, 'Really? She's the one who pulled the plug on the McCain campaign.'
David Letterman
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People say we need royalty. We have royalty in the United States - the Kardashians.
David Letterman
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Snooki is now a published author. I'm blaming Sarah Palin. She lowered the bar.
David Letterman
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New York City subways are now getting high speed Internet. How about some high speed subway trains?
David Letterman
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Don't use your bedroom for work, unless you're a prostitute.
David Letterman
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Father's Day: When you get that lethal combination of alcohol and new power tools.
David Letterman
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He opened a window in my heart, and the light of the world shined in.
David Letterman
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If Ricky Schroder and Gary Coleman had a fight on television with pool cues, who would win? 1) Ricky Schroder 2) Gary Coleman 3) The television viewing public
David Letterman
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Did you hear about this genius that got on a plane and set fire to his feet? Turns out he had bombs in his shoes and the problem all started when the flight attendants asked him nicely to extinguish his feet. He was wearing exploding sneakers. The new Nike Air-Jihads!
David Letterman
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Mayor de Blasio has legalized ferrets. Now you can legally own ferrets in New York City. I want to tell you something. If I want to see anymore beady-eyed little weasels, I'll just keep riding the subway.
David Letterman
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I had no idea this thing was televised. Boy, is my face red.
David Letterman
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Ted Cruz could be president of the United States. If you thought the Secret Service was drinking before
David Letterman
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We are starting to learn more about Osama bin Laden. For his birthday one year, somebody gave him a $4 Timex. We know that. He is married to the daughter of a guy named Mullah Muhammed Omar. I think her name is Tiffany Omar. Insiders say that the marriage is not working out. Apparently they are living in separate caves.
David Letterman