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A small handgun makes any TV remote control.

David Letterman

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David Letterman
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: April 12
Actor
Comedian
Journalist
Talk Show Host
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Weather Presenter
Writer
Indianapolis
Indiana
David Michael Letterman
Earl Hofert
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Handguns
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More quotes by David Letterman

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President Bush says he is looking forward to the testimony of Condoleezza Rice. Yes, he is very excited about Condoleezza Rice's testimony before Congress. Well, it makes perfect sense - he wants to know what was going on, too.
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Presidential candidate Howard Dean is now being attacked for dodging the draft. I never knew this about the guy - but now I know this guy is presidential material.
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I don't like jokes about sex or bodily functions or drug use or the difference between New York and L.A. I never do any of that.
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United Airlines: Passengers are our worst enemy. We're not too fond of luggage either.
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Moammar Gadhafi was found hiding in a storm sewer with a gold-plated gun. That's me in retirement, ladies and gentlemen.
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Over the weekend, John Kerry - the big John Kerry juggernaut moves on - he won primaries in Washington D.C., Nevada and, I think, Canada. And he's so confident that he's started nailing that intern again.
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When Martha gets out she'll be under house arrest in her big $40 million mansion in Bedford. Boy, that'll teach her. She's only allowed out of the house for doctors visits, grocery shopping, or to dump more stock.
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Mitt Romney, two-time Republican presidential hopeful, boxed former heavyweight champion of the world Evander Holyfield for charity. It was a horrible moment when Romney bit off Holyfield's other ear.
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How about those Olympics, ladies and gentlemen. Didn't London look like the place to be? New York City was in the running for this Olympics. But here's what happened. We got outbribed.
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Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen - he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter. It's all part of Woody's plan to grow his own wives.
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Today is Earth Day. The way I see it, as humans the very least we can do is recycle. A lot of recycling is going on this year. For example, Bushes and Clintons.
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USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.
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Martha Stewart is getting out of prison so today the terror alert was raised from orange to pesto.
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I like Mitt Romney. He looks like the guy who comes with the picture frame.
David Letterman
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The Mars Polar Lander has been quieter than George W. Bush after a foreign policy question.
David Letterman
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Tim Tebow has been on the bench longer than Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
David Letterman
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Did you hear about this genius that got on a plane and set fire to his feet? Turns out he had bombs in his shoes and the problem all started when the flight attendants asked him nicely to extinguish his feet. He was wearing exploding sneakers. The new Nike Air-Jihads!
David Letterman
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The Pope also said that while he's in town he would like to go see 'The Book of Mormon.'
David Letterman
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It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights.
David Letterman
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Newt Gingrich's campaign is broke. All the money gone. So now he's charging $50 for a photo. And for $100 you can marry him.
David Letterman