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A small handgun makes any TV remote control.

David Letterman

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David Letterman
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: April 12
Actor
Comedian
Journalist
Talk Show Host
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Weather Presenter
Writer
Indianapolis
Indiana
David Michael Letterman
Earl Hofert
Handgun
Handguns
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Control
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Makes

More quotes by David Letterman

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The world's oldest woman passed away at 116. They keep dying. I think that title may be cursed.
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According to a new survey, people who get divorced die early. People who stay married live longer. The difference is they just wish they were dead.
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The Democrats were crushed in the midterm elections. The Republican juggernaut pounded the Democrats, and the pundits say they will not really know what happened to the Democrats until they find the black box.
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I wish the iPhone people would design one that's black and has two pieces, and it plugs into the wall and you can pick one piece up and talk into it. I tell you, the whole time I had one of those old-fashioned plug-in phones, not once did I misplace it.
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Mitt Romney and his family have a big two-day weekend plan. They're going to hike to the top of his money.
David Letterman
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President Obama is going to take two weeks to unwind, as opposed to President Bush, who never wound.
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Honey, what happened to ladies first? Husband replies, That's the reason why the worlds a mess today, because a lady went first!
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I knew that if I woke up hung over, I couldn't do the best possible job on the show, so I had to quit. Also, I'd consumed a lot of beer for a lot of years, and I thought, That's enough. I've had my fun and I'm glad I quit.
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The president met with BP CEO Tony Hayward, and Obama was demanding that BP clean up the Gulf. And I'm thinking, good luck. They can't even clean up their gas station restrooms.
David Letterman
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We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since this guy has gotten laid in the private sector.
David Letterman
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The morning after I had my heart bypass, the doctor called and said, Soon you'll be able to have sex. I said, I've heard that for years.
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The CIA special unit that was searching for Osama bin Laden has been disbanded. So I guess, mission accomplished.
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Here's my problem. On Valentine's Day the flowers are wilting and so am I.
David Letterman
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Mitt Romney, two-time Republican presidential hopeful, boxed former heavyweight champion of the world Evander Holyfield for charity. It was a horrible moment when Romney bit off Holyfield's other ear.
David Letterman
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Today, the L.A. Times accused Arnold Schwarzenegger of groping six women. I'm telling ya, this guy is presidential material.
David Letterman
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USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.
David Letterman
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When I stopped smoking cigars it was the biggest mistake I made in my life. So my resolution for 98 is Im going to start smoking cigars again. I gave them up about a year and a half ago, and I now realize that it may have been my one last fun, interesting thing to do.
David Letterman
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President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course, he can't pronounce Schwarzenegger.
David Letterman
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You know, Barack Obama the last ten days was traveling overseas campaigning in Europe and everywhere. It was so successful, campaigning abroad, that he is actually thinking about campaigning here in the United States.
David Letterman
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Texas Senator Ted Cruz announced he is running for president. Ted Cruz was born in Canada, his father fled to the United States from Cuba, and yet Ted Cruz is against immigration. Isn't that odd?
David Letterman